Time
by Bookworm1986
Summary: Slight spoilers for S4. Multi chapter. Nothing in common with the actual end of S4. Carrie needs time to process, but her dad's time is running out. "We love, we lose and we grieve but more importantly we move on when we are ready. There is nothing worse than someone telling you to move on because it suits them." Virgil, Saul and others show up too. Some swearing. Now complete.
1. Don't set the Fridge on Fire

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

A/N an end of S4 fic. Multi chapter. Something that would not leave me alone. Likely to have nothing in common with the actual end of S4. I have not given up on TLG or F & S. Currently have a bit of WB with them, but will get back to them.

* * *

><p>Carrie hesitates, unsure of her place and afraid. Frozen in the doorway as her dad suddenly has a fit of coughing that sounds painful. Maggie tends to him while Ruby has her arm around Josie. They are both of them in tears. Her dad ceases coughing, but still she can't move. He is dying.<p>

"Am I really that bad to look at now? I mean I know I'm fucked, but I did rather think I was still handsome."

"Grandpa!", Ruby protests as she tightens her grip on Josie who sobs harder.

Carrie is caught off guard by her father having noticed her. Maggie does not say anything, but her eyes say it all for her. Her silence is merely to save an argument in front of dad.

Carrie finds the courage to walk into the room. She tries to hug Josie who looks how she is feeling. Completely distraught. But Josie pushes her away, a feral look in her eyes that makes Carrie shirk back from her, "I don't want you. We don't need you."

"Josie!", Maggie scolds her.

But Josie is not listening. She stands up, facing Carrie, tears streaming down her face and fists clenched. She is furious. "We need Grandpa, not you! I hate you!" Her sobbing becomes more pronounced as she runs out of the room.

"I'll go sit with her", Ruby says quickly. She meets Carrie's eyes only briefly, but does not seek comfort from her and turns her back and follows her sister.

Carrie remains frozen in place.

"Well, I don't know what you expected", Maggie's harsh tone jolting Carrie back to the present.

"Maggie!", Frank's warning tone is enough to prevent her expanding on her feelings for the moment.

Carrie feels rattled and taken by surprise. The news she had received over the phone that her dad is dying had seemed unbelievable to her. Not her dad. Not now. She hadn't been able to leave Islamabad and come home right away. This time genuinely, but she doubted whether Maggie could or would believe that. She is here now though and standing in a room where she would lose yet another person she loves and yet again there is nothing to be done to save him.

Looking up, she finds that Maggie has left the room. It is just her and dad.

"You should be in hospital, dad." She could think of nothing else to say to him.

"Should I hell. I'm going, so I'll go in the comfort of my own bed. Not some ward stinking of someone else's piss."

"They could keep you alive longer."

"Ha. According to those Doctors, I should have been dead a fortnight ago..."

Carrie feels numb at these words.

"But I told them I'd fucking go when I'm good and ready to."

"Why didn't you tell me you were ill the last time we spoke? Why didn't you tell me the Doctors had given you a timescale to live? Dad, two weeks ago I was still in Islamabad."

"I didn't want to worry you. There was nothing you could do. Besides, it wasn't just the Doctors I told I'd go when I was ready. It was the big man upstairs as well."

"Dad!" Carrie usually appreciated her dad's attempts to lighten the mood, but not now.

"What you do is important, sweetie. I didn't want you worried about and distracted by something you couldn't change."

Carrie sits in shocked silence thinking for a moment before she manages to whisper out, "but you're important too, dad. It feels to her like she had somehow forgotten that and the realisation hit her like a ton of bricks just as she is going to lose him.

"That is just stating the obvious, sweetie."

Carrie cannot laugh or smile as he wants her to.

"Come here. Come hold your old man's hand."

Carrie hesitates, but another coughing fit overtakes him and she moves without thinking. She holds his hand tight throughout it and helps him take a drink of water.

He squeezes tight on her hand and pulls her head to his chest, "last time we spoke you said you had to talk to me about something. Now you can tell me what's wrong."

"What? Never mind that now dad", Carrie replies agitated. "Let's focus on you."

Frank sighs, "Me? I'm your dad. It's my job to listen to your worries sweetie and I know it is hard to hear, not something you want to hear, but I'm dying. So fuck me. You have something to share with me. I saw it in your eyes last time we spoke. God bless Skype. I saw that the only thing stopping you from pulling your hair out was knowing you would be coming home to see me soon. See? I know how important I am."

This time Carrie couldn't help the chuckle that escapes her lips, even as the tears form in her eyes. He is right. She has been desperate to speak to him.

"I…I…did you miss mom?", Carrie rushes the words out. Their mother was a sore subject particularly with Maggie. They always avoided it.

"I still do", Frank whispers in return.

Carrie lifts her head off his chest to meet his eyes. She doesn't know what to say. Her father's only words about their mother, since the day she left had been angry and spiteful.

"Managed to shock the spy, have I? Well that's something."

"Intelligence Officer, dad."

"Spy!"

Carrie shakes her head in resignation.

"They say hope is a good thing. I guess it can be. It can also be cruel. I hoped for a long time your mother would come back. She broke my heart."

Carrie squeezes his hand in comfort.

"So, sweetie, how are we going to help you heal your broken heart, huh?"

"Always could see through me couldn't you?", Carrie sniffles.

It was her dad's turn to squeeze her hand, encouraging her to push the walls down and giving her strength to scale over them.

"I don't know what to do. I don't know what the right thing to do is and I'm scared. I don't know what I want anymore. I miss him and it's my fault. It's my fault he's dead." Carrie lets out a deep breath, trying not to lose it completely. This is why she loved him. He did not contradict her feelings where others would.

"There was an incident with my meds in Islamabad. I thought I was seeing him…I wanted it to be him."

Her dad reaches out a shaky hand to wipe the tears on her cheek.

"I can understand that."

Carrie holds on to her dad's hand for dear life.

"She looks so much like him. She's all him. He's all I see when I look at her. She is a reminder of what I have done. I don't know if I can live with that. I don't know if I want to. Does…does that make me a bad person?", Carrie asks whispering, afraid of the answer. He had been so angry at her mother leaving them, but she feared disappointing him more than his anger. When she was a child his disappointment always got to her more than any shouting ever could.

"No. It makes you human."

Silence falls between them as Carrie lays her head back on her dad's chest again, marvelling at how he sees her. She's pretty sure Maggie doesn't see her as human.

"You want a fresh angle?", Frank asks, stroking Carrie's hair.

"What do you mean?"

"She's all him. That's what you said."

"Ye?"

"Except she's not just all him and it might help you if you realise that she's yours too. That little girl is a good thing you both did together. She looks like him, but her temper tantrums? Those she definitely got from you. I should know. Make no mistake she is a Mathison as well."

"You thi…", Carrie stops, realising what her dad just said. "Hey!", she answers indignantly.

Her dad laughs, "oh, you know it's true." Frank pulls Carrie's face up to his level and becoming serious, he pronounces every word, "I need you to listen to me. I get that you're afraid because he's not here and she reminds you of him. You're thinking about the future and how you explain to her. You're holding on to the past because that's where he is."

"I'm confused. I ran away, dad. I pushed everything down and focused on my work and…people got hurt…people got killed. I don't know if I should be doing my job anymore, but I don't know that I can be a mother either."

"There's good gut and bad gut. Just promise me that you will take your time to figure it out on your own. As much as you need. Don't let Maggie or anyone else tell you what to do."

"I will", Carrie answers firmly, squeezing her dad's hand again as he continues, "we love, we lose and we grieve but more importantly we move on when we are ready. There is nothing worse than someone telling you to move on because it suits them."

Carrie nods her head in agreement with this. They fall silent, her dad stroking her hair and their hands still joined. With her head on his chest, Carrie can hear her father's numbered heartbeats. The sound lulls her into sleep.


	2. Flight

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Guest – thank you for the review. I'm glad I have caught your attention. I believe her family are important too.

A/N Warning slight spoilers for S4 - Carrie doing the unexpected.

* * *

><p>"You're late", is the greeting from the Director, but he doesn't wait for excuses. He is all business for the moment and Carrie isn't sure that she wants to tell him she's late because she was sleeping like a log on her father's chest like she used to do when she was a kid. She forces herself to pay attention to what he is saying.<p>

"The President is naturally over the moon that we managed to prevent an attack on the White House and feels the need to reward the parties concerned. It has been suggested to me very strongly that the vacant position of Deputy Director be filled ASAP." He looks at Carrie, "this would mean resigning your position as Station Chief."

"I'm sure John will make a fine Station Chief."

"Yes and I will tell the President that my search for Deputy Director is over."

Despite the general tension between them all Quinn, Fara and Max have ghosts of smiles on their faces. Carrie sighs. Their disappointment will only be equal to the level of assumption they have indulged in and she could do nothing about that.

"No."

"What?" The collective question gives the impression of a loud echo in the room.

"I said no, Saul."

Saul's reinstatement as Director after Lockhart's death had pleased a great number of people and their natural assumption was that Carrie would be right with him. Carrie reaches into her bag and passes the envelope she has taken from it across the desk.

Saul stares at it and then back at Carrie, "what is that?"

"You already know what it is."

"I'm not accepting it."

"I'm walking out that door Saul and I'm not coming back. You'd be well advised to accept it."

"I need you here."

Carrie runs her hand through her hair. She knows it is true. Just like the time he needed her to go to Beruit when she had been out for months and was doing well. Just like the time he needed her to talk Brody into doing the mission in Iran. Both had led her to the crossroads she stands at now and not sure she wants to walk either road.

"We need you here", Quinn adds emphatically.

Publically of course, the prevention of the attack would be spun as winning the war on terror. The fact is it is doubtful if it will ever be won, so she knows she is needed and had known she would be met with resistance.

"And what about what I need? What if what I need is to not be here?"

The only answer Carrie receives for several minutes is silence. Carrie leans back in her chair, doing her best to ignore Saul's inquisitive eyes x-raying her. She focuses on observing everyone else in the room. Redmond is intrigued. No doubt he'd expected her to jump at the chance to be Deputy Director. Fara seems very surprised and Max has the most stupefied look on his face. If the atmosphere were not so tense she might have taken a photo to send to Virgil for future use. Quinn looks as though he is ready to give her another one of his lectures that he has become so good at dishing out.

"Is this you talking or your sister?"

"Me."

Saul's snort of disbelief fuels Carrie's irritation. She clenches her fist in an effort to maintain control.

"Sounds like your sister to me."

"Well, it's not."

Saul contemplates this for a few moments in silence. "Give us a few minutes will you?" Saul's request is met with silent obedience by everyone else.

"What is this about then?", Saul asks as the door closes behind Quinn.

"Me."

"You sure about that?"

Saul's disbelief and mistrust in her words is further indication of their now fractured relationship.

"Because I'm thinking it's not. If it isn't your sister then it can only be about one other person."

Carrie meets Saul's eyes. Carrie never did like fighting with him, even though she could be said to have been the instigator on many occasions before. She had known an argument was as unavoidable as she had hoped it could be avoided. She hadn't told him how or why she had allowed their relationship to fracture from her side, but she supposes it was stupid to think he wouldn't realise.

"This is about responsibility Saul. My responsibility."

"Your responsibility? From where I am sitting you are about to run away from it."

Carrie felt the words like a slap to the face. It's strange when you suddenly have an epiphany, but lack the words to explain it to others. To those you trust most and are supposed to be able to confide in. But she had put a wall up between them and isn't sure that she can ever really take it down again.

"The explosion at Farragut Square. Remember that? It sent me into one of my flights."

Saul seems slightly knocked off guard by the subject change, but answers her anyway, "I remember."

"You know what I remember, Saul? I remember you sitting in my bedroom telling me that you had half known. That when I came back from Baghdad, you knew. I was damaged. That there were times you noticed I was so out there that you half knew, but you'd hoped it was something else. That you should have asked and should have checked if I was really ok."

Carrie sees the flash of realisation and recognition in his eyes and takes his silence as confirmation he understands.

"I'm not sure I can find the words to explain fully how I feel right now, but what I do know is that by resigning I am not running from my responsibility. I'm trying to face it, because what I have been doing since Frannie was born Saul, that was me running from my responsibility and you can go on about us stopping the attack on the White House if you like. Talk about your bigger picture, Saul. The fact is I was there only because I couldn't deal with my own issues and others are dead because of it. It's time to stop running."

"So it is about him?"

Carrie is unsure whether this is meant to sound like an accusation or if she just hears it as one because she is so used to being on the defensive.

"Not just him, but as he's a part of me then yes."

Saul opens his mouth to respond, but Carrie interrupts. "Look, I can't do this. Fight about him. I used to be able to talk to you and I just can't now. But I can't keep avoiding the elephant in the room either, Saul. It's Baghdad all over again. You're ignoring the issue and hoping it's something else. Well, this is me telling you that I am not ok. I fell in love with him. I didn't exactly plan to, you know. I just did and I still do love him. I didn't stop just because he died. I can't keep apologising for that. Like I said though, it's not just him. There's a whole load of issues. I mean, there's you."

"What about me?"

"You know exactly what I mean. I told them to take that shot. You would have been dead if Quinn hadn't ignored a direct order."

Saul shrugs, "you gave an order you thought was the right one."

"Bullshit. That wasn't about doing the right thing. That was about me being out of control. You owe Quinn."

"You blame me for Brody's death."

"Mostly I blame me, but ye there it is finally, the elephant in the room confronted. You know what scared me the most later on? It wasn't just that I had given that order. It was that I wanted to give it. I didn't just not care whether or not you died, but felt like you deserved to. That and Aayan dying hit me like a ton of bricks. It reminded me of how broken Brody was in the end...at having killed again. We both know he did that for me, because he certainly didn't do it for you or America…and it destroyed him. It reminded me of what he said to me."

"What did he say?", Saul probes curiously.

"That's between me and him", Carrie answers shortly before continuing, "I'm tired and I'm sad. I don't feel any better than I did 17 months ago. I have a lot of things I need to figure out and I just can't do it here."

Uncomfortable silence creeps over every corner of the room, as Saul says nothing initially, digesting what she said to him. Eventually he sits up and leans forward, "14 and a half years. Does that mean nothing? Hell and back several times over and now you are just done?"

It had been remarked to her how good she was at manipulation and it really shouldn't have been a surprise. She had after all learned from the master and he was sitting across from her, but thinking of the last time she had allowed him to manipulate her, she knew there was no way she was allowing it again. She lifts her head up and meets his eyes, "14 and a half years. I don't know my family as well as I should. My father is dying and he lied to me about it to save me from having to make a choice about coming home early. Says it all, really." Carrie stands up to leave and Saul stands with her.

"Carrie, I'm sorry about your dad."

"So am I", Carrie answers with a whisper, not looking at Saul. She can't. She cannot see his sympathy that she knows will be there for her father. She needs to be angry with him to walk out that door.

"Carrie…I need you here", Saul whispers.

And there it was. What she needs. Carrie turns her back on him, but stops with her hand on the door handle. She speaks to him one last time before walking out, "you should have chosen Mira, Saul."


	3. How the other side live

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Guest - thank you. I LOLed at your second review. Such a Carrie response. Love it.

Lipamo - thanks...all aboard the Frank Mathison fan club.

LilMisfit - thanks. I am glad you enjoyed the mention of Farragut Square and I figured if Saul accepted the position as Director again he and Mira would be over. Sorry I made you cry...but can't promise not to make that happen again with what is coming.

Indigo - thank you. As you know, I love Frank and try to get him down right.

* * *

><p>As the door shuts behind her, Carrie let out the breath she had been holding in and takes a moment to compose herself. She has actually done it. She needed a drink.<p>

"Josie, eat your dinner". Maggie's voice floats into the hallway.

"I don't want it."

"Josie, eat!"

"Mom, Grandpa's coughing really badly", Ruby says running into the kitchen.

"Finish feeding Frannie for me." Maggie comes out of the kitchen and turns left towards their father's room, not even noticing Carrie.

The phone rings and Carrie hears Josie answer it.

"Hi dad."

"What? But, you're supposed to take me to dancing tonight." Carrie hears the angry and accusatory tone and then the sound of Josie slamming the phone down.

"Dad working late, again?", Ruby asks.

"Yes. He's supposed to take me to dancing. Maybe mom…"

"Don't even think about it", Ruby interrupts abruptly.

"But."

"No, Josie. Mom's stressed enough. You can miss it for one week."

"You're not in charge", Carrie hears Josie's angry voice from the kitchen.

"Stop being so selfish. You're not the only one who has had to stop doing things we were used to. Mom has enough on her plate."

"I'm asking mom", Josie says defiantly. She hurtles out of the kitchen door past Carrie and the down the hall.

There is silence for a few moments before Josie's yell of "it's not fair" pierces the air, then running and a door, presumably Josie's room door, being slammed shut.

Ruby sighs loudly. Carrie watches from the kitchen doorway as her eldest niece feeds her cousin, observing that Ruby seems well practiced. Leaning on the door frame, Carrie thinks about what she was doing at 14. Sneaking out of her bedroom window, snogging boys and generally contributing to her father's bald patches. She certainly wasn't staying in feeding a baby.

"So, your dad is working late?", Carrie states rather than questions.

Ruby doesn't even look round at her, "so he says." She tries to sound nonchalant about it, but Carrie hears the doubt and anger in her tone.

"You don't think so?"

Ruby shrugs her shoulders, "maybe he wants someone who has time to talk to him or maybe he just doesn't want to be here. Maybe both."

The coldness and bluntness of this statement shocks Carrie. Ruby turns away from her back to Frannie.

"Oh Frannie!"

Carrie sees that Frannie had decided to put her hands in her dinner and rub it all over her face. Before Carrie could move, Ruby, it seemed to Carrie, had made wipes and a clean bib appear out of thin air and was cleaning her face and changing her bib. Carrie marvels at the ease with which she does this and finds herself wondering how it could be that her niece is far more comfortable with her child than she is.

Carrie sits watching as Ruby salvages the rest of Frannie's dinner and continues to feed her in silence. It becomes uncomfortable and Carrie feels like a spare part. She should be doing that. She should take that responsibility off the shoulders of her 14 year old niece and yet she can't, nor apparently does Ruby expect or ask her to.

"I'm going to go and check on your Grandpa", Carrie breaks the suffocating silence.

"Right", Ruby replies without looking at her.

* * *

><p>The fact that Ruby does not seem to expect much from her is filling Carrie's mind. She can't say she hasn't earned it, but it still hurts. Her feet make their way to her father's room of their own accord. As she approaches his room, she finds Maggie just outside leaning her head back on the wall with her eyes shut. She looks every bit as tense and stressed as Ruby had said. She opens her eyes at the sound of Carrie's footsteps.<p>

"How is dad?"

"Sleeping", Maggie replies shortly.

Carrie begins to feel angsty as an awkward silence fills the space between her and Maggie. The urge to flee rears its head. It occurs to her that she has no idea how to be content with family life. She is just always uncomfortable and on edge around them.

"I could take Josie to dancing", Carrie suggests. It would be one less thing for Maggie to worry about, but there is no escaping the fact she now just wants out of the house as well.

"No", Maggie says firmly.

"I don't mind."

"She's not going", Maggie opens her eyes and fixes Carrie with such a glare that Carrie swears she is seeing straight through her. "Not after the way she spoke to me. She can't get what she wants all the time."

Maggie brushes past Carrie towards the kitchen. The feeling of not belonging threatens to overwhelm Carrie again. She leans her head back against the nearest wall listening to the conversation between Maggie and Ruby.

"You get to bed, honey." You have to be up early for Sarah's mom picking you up."

"I was thinking that I don't have to go."

"Ruby, she's your best friend. You are going. You'll have fun."

"But, you need help, mom."

"I have tomorrow off. I'll manage. It's not long until you are all back at School. If I were you I'd take this chance of a day away from your family with your friends."

It is suddenly quiet as Ruby apparently has no argument to that. Carrie once again finds herself standing in the kitchen doorway. On the outside looking in.

"No kissing strange boys though", Maggie says sternly.

"Just the ones I know?", Ruby replies cheekily.

Maggie laughs, pulling her daughter into a hug and Carrie notes that just for a moment all the tension seems to have evaporated from both of them.

"Mom what are we going to do for Frannie's birthday? It is only a few weeks away."

"I don't know yet. We'll figure it out."

"I'll help."

"Thank you, honey."

Carrie is frozen on the spot. Frannie's first birthday is approaching. There had been so much going on elsewhere this fact had somehow escaped her. Could it really be a year?

"Mom?", Ruby begins tentatively, "is dad really working late all the time?"

Carrie sees the tension return to Maggie's shoulders, before she lets out a sigh. She takes Ruby's hand, rubbing it gently, "I don't know." Carrie hears the slight crack in her sister's voice that she is trying to hide from Ruby, but as Ruby wraps her arms around her mom, Carrie's not sure she has managed it.

"Right, you", Maggie says, collecting herself, "bed."

Ruby stands up and Carrie watches as she gives Frannie a kiss goodnight and then her mother. She stops for a second as she notices Carrie in the Kitchen doorway, before continuing on, "good night", she says walking out of the kitchen as Carrie moves out of her way.

"Good night, Ruby", Carrie replies. Carrie notices Maggie seems to tense up even more at her presence. Carrie joins her at the kitchen table. "Where's Ruby going tomorrow?"

"It's Sarah's birthday. Her mom is taking a few of them out for the day. Then later on there's a party and Ruby is staying the night at Sarah's."

"Sounds like fun." Carrie

"She needs it."

Maggie begins clearing the table of the dinner dishes, but Carrie can see all her worries on her face.

"You want to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?", Maggie asks.

"Bill."

"No, I don't.

"But if he's cheating on you…"

"I'm not talking about it."

"But…"

"But nothing, Carrie. He may or may not be cheating. I don't have the time to find out or the energy to care right now. So, just drop it."

"You deserve better."

"That's rich, coming from you", Maggie snaps.

Carrie feels the verbal blow hit its mark hard and finds she is unable to defend herself from it.

"Maggie", Carrie ploughs on.

"Drop it, Carrie. I mean it."

The only sound in the kitchen is Frannie babbling away to herself.

"She's gotten bigger."

Maggie snorts at Carrie's attempt to converse about her daughter.

"Children do that", Maggie retorts, filling the sink with the dishes.

"You need a hand?", Carrie asks.

"You can do the dishes or change and get your daughter ready for bed."

Carrie's slight hesitation causes Maggie to all but growl with impatience. "Do the dishes, Carrie", Maggie says, picking Frannie up and leaving the kitchen.

Carrie runs her hand through her hair as she does when stressed or frustrated. She has no idea how to make this right or even if she can.


	4. A Friend in need

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Guest "I love this…story" – thank you for your review. Glad you are liking it. When I started planning it, I had anticipated that it would only need about 4 or 5 chapters. It is now safe to say as I write, It will likely need more, though I don't know how many.

Shockey 13 – Thank you…I thought it was important to highlight that. Ruby may end up being of some help to her aunt…oh and I need to catch up with Your Star. I will get there hopefully soon.

Lipamo – Thank you. I try to keep it as realistic as possible.

Guest – "Thank you! I miss B. so much" – thank you for the review and I'm right there with you in the missing B bit.

A/N Carrie has a chat with another old friend.

* * *

><p>Carrie impatiently checks her watch again. It is 8.50am and he was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago. She feared perhaps he had decided not to show. Their telephone conversation had been short and he hadn't committed to coming, but Carrie had hoped he would. She'd been here for nearly an hour already, was on her third coffee and now the waitress was giving her funny looks. Carrie looks down at her hands and finds she had been absentmindedly tapping her fingers on the table. A sure sign of her agitation. Just as she was ready to give up on the idea of him showing up, he walks into the café.<p>

"You're late", she says to him as he sits down.

Virgil snorts, "hello to you too Carrie."

"Sorry", Carrie says reproached. "It is just that I really need to speak to you and I thought you weren't coming.

Virgil stares at Carrie in disbelief for a second, "did you just say sorry?"

Carrie shrugs her shoulders.

"You could have ordered me a coffee."

"I did."

"Well, where is it?"

"Your late and I'm anxious. I drank it."

Virgil shakes his head. "Unbelievable." Shouting the waitress over, he orders himself a coffee. "You want another?", he asks looking at Carrie.

"No. This is my third already. Better not."

Virgil waits until the waitress is out of earshot before asking, "why do you want to talk to me? I seem to remember being in your bad books because I said no to going to Islamabad. Why not call Max? I don't understand why this has to be a secret. That's why I'm late you know. Having to duck little brother who has decided the time is ripe for brotherly bonding now that he is home."

"It's because you were able to say no to me that I want to speak to you."

"I…what?", Virgil asks incredulous.

"To be honest with you, I'm glad you didn't come. It was a cluster fuck from start to finish. Some of it my doing…no, well, a lot of it my doing."

"Carrie what do you mean it is because I said no?"

"You didn't let me manipulate or guilt you into it. You didn't stand for it. You chose to put your wife first.

"Ye, so?"

"How?"

"What do you mean how? The wife said. 'If you go Virgil, don't bother coming back'. I decided I still am rather fond of my wife and stayed."

"But, Saul..."

"Should have married the job instead of Mira. I guess that won't be a problem now, huh?", Virgil quips.

"No. It won't", Carrie answers. She walked as soon as he told her he was being offered reinstatement and was thinking about it. Guess, she knew she couldn't win."

"Not a surprise…", Virgil stops mid-sentence as the waitress reappears with his coffee, rolling her eyes at the sudden hush that had overtaken the table. "So, what do you want to talk to me about?", Virgil asks as the waitress moves away.

"I suppose Max has told you I handed in my resignation."

"Yes. In great detail which I found hilarious since he admitted to not being in the room when you spoke with Saul properly. I think he's hoping that it is just a late April fool's joke."

"I would have thought he'd be pleased to get away from me after the last 5 months."

"No offence, Carrie, but I think it has more to do with you providing him with an excuse to work with Fara."

"Right", Carrie rolls her eyes.

"So?", Virgil probes.

Carrie looks out of the window taking a moment to collect herself and find the right words. She notices a woman with a little boy wriggling in her left arm whilst she has bags in her right hand and is trying to get in her car, but somehow managing it with an ease Carrie could never see herself effecting. "Look at that", she points the woman out to, Virgil. "Can you imagine me doing that? Being that domesticated?"

"You can learn", Virgil answers diplomatically.

"Can I?", Carrie shoots back at him.

"That's really up to you."

"I've been back five days, Virgil and already I feel the need to escape. I haven't even told Maggie I quit my job."

"Why? You rethinking that decision?"

"No. That is the right decision for everyone's sake. I haven't told her because the thought of staying in the house all day terrifies me. The thought of having responsibility for Frannie terrifies me. I haven't even held her since I have been back and no one has even asked me to. Well Maggie did once, but I hesitated and since then…", Carrie takes a deep breath. "They are stressed to the max, but they don't ask. That's how little my sister and my nieces think of me and you know what, I've earned it."

Carrie turns her head away from Virgil, looking back out of the window so as to not let him see the tears forming there. She sees the woman has managed to wrestle the little boy into his car seat.

"Maggie could really do with the extra pair of hands just now", Carrie looks back to Virgil. "My dad is dying, Virgil and he is insisting on being at home."

"Shit. Jesus, Carrie I'm sorry."

"Yeah. We all are."

"How…how long has he got", Virgil asks tentatively.

"He could go anytime and now you think I should be at home instead of here with you", Carrie finishes, noting Virgil's reaction.

Virgil looks as though he is contemplating taking it easy on her, but perhaps something in Carrie's face shows because when he speaks, he is brutally honest, "Yes. I do."

"See, I know I should be, but I can't…", the words catch in Carrie's throat. "There's so much going on. Dad dying and then there is Frannie. She's one in a few weeks, Virgil and I forgot. What sort of a mother forgets her kid's birthday? It is obvious that having that extra mouth to feed and needing to watch her all the time is stressing them out, but I'm not sure I can help. Watching Ruby with her, she seems a natural. She just knows how to feed her and everything. I think they're all better off without me. I know I should be helping and sometimes really feel that I want to, but can't. I think Maggie is right. There is something wrong with me." Carrie covers her face with her hands. Virgil respects her need for silence and does not push for her to speak. He simply waits until she is ready.

"I'm sorry for putting all of this on you."

"Two apologies in less than an hour. Blimey, must be something in the air."

"Shut up", Carrie retorts, wiping her eyes.

"Knew you were still in there somewhere."

Carrie snorts.

"Right", Virgil says standing up, "let's go."

"Go where", Carrie asks confused by Virgil's sudden need to leave.

"Home. Specifically yours."

Carrie freezes, fear rapidly moving from head to toe and back again. "Maggie doesn't know I've quit."

"Good time to tell her."

"I can't…"

"Yes, you can", Virgil interrupts. For once, I'm giving the orders. You have yourself so utterly convinced you can't do this that you have a wall up against it. But, I know you. You're tough and you can at least try."

"What if I fail?", Carrie whispers, hearing the childish fear in her own voice.

"Then at least you tried. Gave it a good go. You need to quell that urge to run every time something to do with your family scares you. Christ, I've seen you run head fucking long into ambushes when the urge to run in the opposite direction would actually be useful."

Carrie smiles sheepishly at Virgil. "So, how exactly do I quell that urge then?"

"Long term. No idea except to say one step at a time. Short term, as in today? I'm coming with you. You can have a chat with your sister. I can sit with your dad if needed and maybe steal a hug from Frannie."

"Thanks", Carrie says sincerely, trying to smile, but the smile doesn't quite reach her eyes.

"What's that look for?", Virgil asks.

Carrie runs her hand through her hair whilst thinking how to explain, "you are talking about my daughter with affection and you know her even less than I do."

Virgil shrugs, "got a few nieces and nephews and have always loved kids."

Carrie noting the broody tone in Virgil's voice and knowing he and his wife can't have any children, feels like a heel. Virgil, I'm so…"

But Virgil interrupts, "if you say you're sorry to me a third time today, I'm going to think someone put something in that coffee."

"But here I am going on about not knowing if I can be a mom."

"We all have different problems, Carrie. Look, shit happens. I've gotten used to being the stupid uncle who can send the kids back home full of sugar. I'm even sometimes cool. Darren has decided I'm a semi-spy."

"A semi-spy?", Carrie laughs.

"Yes. Half spy, half human. The mind of a 5 year old. It's quite amazing how much they notice, but everything is viewed with innocence. You could have that to look forward to."

"Maybe", Carrie chokes out, non-committedly.

"Okay. I think that is enough diversion tactics from you. Come on, move", Virgil orders.

"A bit bossy today, aren't we."

"Well, I have paid attention to you all these years…most of the time."

"Hey", Carrie gives Virgil a whack on the arm for his cheek, but lets him lead her out of the café. She was going home.


	5. is a Friend in deed

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Zarqa – thank you. I love Virgil. More Carrie and Virgil here with others.

Lipamo – thank you. As you know by now, I am a massive Virgil fan. More of him here. I know exactly what you mean. Carrie's struggle to even decide if she wants to be a mom is an important one.

* * *

><p>Carrie knows the walk from the car to the front door is the same distance it has always been, but somehow it seemed farther away and more of an effort to get there. She is lagging a step behind Virgil and her stomach is churning. Suddenly the front door opens and Bill is coming out of it bringing several bags with him. He stops abruptly at the sight of her, his face filled with nothing but contempt. Then he simply barges past her to his car, begins unceremoniously throwing his bags into the trunk and then drives off.<p>

Carrie looks at Virgil before virtually sprinting into the house. She nearly collides with Josie as she comes sprinting out of the sitting room, clearly upset and tearing down the hall to her room. Frannie's cries seem to echo around the house. Maggie is sitting on the sofa, leaning forward with her head in her hands while Ruby, who seems the most composed of all of them, walks back and forth with Frannie trying to calm her down.

Carrie feels like a rabbit caught in the headlights. Give her conflict in Islamabad and she would deal with it no matter how bad it got. But, this was out of her comfort zone. Loud coughing could suddenly be heard in the sitting room. Carrie was confused for a minute as neither Maggie nor Ruby were coughing, but Virgil then pointed the baby monitor out to her and she understood. They must have been using it to help with dad.

Maggie drags herself up off the sofa and it is then she spots Carrie. Carrie isn't really sure where she is supposed to begin, but Maggie, after a momentary pause where she seemed to consider saying something herself, just walks right past her to check on their father before Carrie could even speak.

Virgil takes his jacket off and throws it over one of the chairs.

"You need a hand?"

Ruby eyes him wearily. "I don't even know you."

Carrie was going to say something to Ruby about being rude, but Virgil is smiling and nodding approvingly, "Quite right. I'm a friend of Carrie's though. I'm Virgil."

Ruby looks at Carrie for confirmation and Carrie nods her head, "a good friend."

Ruby looks back at Virgil, "in that case, my mom will need help with my Grandpa. He's getting worse."

"You sure you're ok?", Virgil asks Ruby again.

"I'll manage."

Virgil looks as though he wants to protest further, but the coughing continuing to loudly flow through the baby monitor put paid to that.

"Ok", Virgil relents. "I'll go help your mom, but since we will be with your Grandpa maybe we could turn that off just now", Virgil says pointing at the baby monitor. "All that noise coming through won't help you settle the little one down."

Ruby nods her head in agreement as Virgil does just that.

"You'll need to remember and switch it back on later though."

Turning to Carrie he asks, "where is your dad's room?"

"Very end of the hall on the right", Carrie answers automatically and watches as he makes his way towards it. Carrie knew Virgil was better at family life than her, but she's still stunned at the calm way he's dealing with it all. They have walked into what she would define as chaos and she'd very much rather be facing a terrorist cell right now. At least she'd have a clue how to react.

"Why won't you hold her?", Ruby asks abruptly, breaking the silence and pulling Carrie from her thoughts.

Carrie looks at her niece and sees a mixture of emotions dancing across her face and in her eyes. How to answer that with so many reasons that have become a muddled mess in her mind. She settles for the easy option. "It's complicated."

Ruby scoffs and shakes her head in disgust.

"Ruby, look there is a lot that you don't know. You're too young to understand."

"Don't give me that 'you're too young crap.' Not while I'm the one trying to settle your kid down", Ruby replies furiously, glaring angrily at her aunt. "I may not know a lot of things, but I do know some. Do you know how often I have heard 'it's complicated' since you toddled off to Islamabad?" It seems to me that it's adult code for shit they don't want to talk about regardless of how it affects others."

Carrie had to admit to herself that Ruby had a point. She is at a complete loss as to how to deal with an angry teenager especially one who has clearly changed since last time they saw each other. "You've grown up quick."

"No, I haven't. You just weren't here", Ruby replies viciously, almost daring her aunt to try and give her into trouble. Ruby stares Carrie down and Carrie really couldn't explain how a 14 year old, especially her own niece, is able to unnerve her when the worst terrorists could not.

"Are you going to help with her or not?", Ruby questions with some attitude. Because if not, mom and your friend probably need help with Grandpa."

Carrie, probably for the first time really appreciated that Ruby was indeed a Mathison female. "What about Josie?"

"She won't want to talk to anyone right now and certainly not you."

"Ok. That is it," Carrie begins now having had enough of backing down.

"No. It's the truth", Ruby interrupts. "She blames mom for dad walking out and me for taking mom's side. Dad was always having a go about you and Josie is daddy's girl. She hates you. But she wanted to go with him and he said no. So, now she's mad at him too."

Carrie stands on the spot stunned. She could only imagine the things Bill might have been saying to Maggie about her. Bile rose in her throat. The thought of sweet little Josie actually meaning the words she had said last week upset Carrie greatly. Though she had been hurt at the time, she had put Josie's reaction down to the fact her Grandpa was quite bad that day and would not be getting any better.

* * *

><p>"Hey, Carrie, where are the plates and stuff?"<p>

Carrie turns around to see Virgil poking his head round the kitchen door and walks towards him.

"Why? What are you doing?"

"Making some sandwiches for your dad and Maggie. See if Ruby wants any and ask her what Josie takes on hers."

"She takes…", Carrie stops wondering if that might have changed as well. "I'll ask Ruby though I don't think it'd be a good idea to take them into her."

"Yeah, so I heard. That is why I will leave the plate outside her room door. Kids can smell food a mile away."

Carrie looks up at him sharply, "I never heard you coming back down the hall."

"That's because you were talking with Ruby", Virgil answers with diplomacy.

"Right. I'll go see what they will take…"

"I'll take two slices with strawberry Jam and Josie will take two with chocolate spread, thanks Virgil", Ruby says suddenly appearing behind Carrie.

"Ok. No problem. Coming up."

"Can you pass me out a peach fruit tub, please? Second cupboard from the left."

Virgil does what Ruby asks and he gets a smile as he hands it to her.

"That won't fill you up", Carrie says to Ruby, feeling slightly put out at her and Virgil getting on so well.

Ruby stares at her for a second as though she is stupid. "It's for Frannie, aunt Carrie. She still gets milk at night before bed, but she's been on solids for a couple of months now." She looks at Virgil again, "thanks. Oh and the plates are on the far right." Ruby turns back towards the sitting room with Carrie looking between Virgil and Ruby feeling slightly indignant.

"You're getting a thank you…two and I'm getting a bollocking."

"And totally deserved", Virgil replies unsympathetically.

"What?", Carrie replies detecting no trace of Virgil's usual mischievousness.

"She's fourteen, Carrie and I don't care how mature she might seem for a fourteen year old", Virgil says anticipating Carrie's argument. "She's still a kid herself and handling more than she should have to. But, she's right. If you won't take Frannie from her, you can at least help with your dad."

"Fine", Carrie replies angrily, turning to do just that.

"Not yet", Virgil says grabbing hold of her arm. "Give it another 5 minutes or so."

"Make your mind up. Either I'm coming to help with my dad or I'm not."

Virgil narrows his eyes at her, "you're not the only one who needs to cry on her dad's shoulder you know. Why do you think I'm out here making the sandwiches?" Virgil shakes his head. Jesus, you can be so fucking oblivious at times Carrie", he says lifting a plate with Ruby's sandwiches and takes them into her.

Carrie sighs. Sitting down at the kitchen table finding herself once again plagued with the feeling of being a stranger in her own family and contemplating that it might be better if she did leave for good. She couldn't do that now. She had to stay for just now for her dad at least. But she needed some fresh air as she felt like she was suffocating. Getting up from the table, Carrie made her way from the kitchen towards the front door. However, a sound coming from the sitting room stopped her in her tracks. She could hear giggling. It was too high pitched to be Ruby. Carrie tentatively crept to the sitting room door to look in. Ruby was sitting back on the sofa eating her sandwiches while Virgil is playing peek-a-boo with Frannie who is giggling like mad. Carrie thought he looked stupid, but Frannie seems to be enjoying it. As Frannie continues to giggle, Carrie realises that her heart feels lighter than it did a minute ago and this thought immediately scares her.

"I saw that."

"Jesus, Virgil. Don't do that." He had crept up on her while she had been about to lose herself in her thoughts again.

"Saw what?", she questions whilst noting that Ruby had taken over making Frannie giggle.

"That little smile that appeared for a second on your face."

"I did not smile", Carrie argues as a reflex.

"Yes. Yes, you did", Virgil argues back "And smiling at your own child laughing is nothing to be afraid of either. You might call it a step in the right direction. Now, I think we should get your dad's sandwiches to him before he thinks you've eaten them."

"Yeah", Carrie answers distractedly. Still watching Ruby playing with Frannie. Only when Virgil comes back out of the kitchen with the sandwiches does it sink in what he said. "What do you mean thinks I ate his sandwiches? You're the grubber. You could eat for America", she retorts following him down the hall.

"Gold medal material, do you think?", Virgil asks smiling as he puts the plate with Josie's sandwiches down at her door.

* * *

><p>Virgil knocks her dad's room door which Carrie knows is to give her dad and Maggie warning that they are about to come in rather than really needing to ask to come in.<p>

"Room service", Virgil says cheerily as he enters.

Maggie smiles, but cannot hide the red puffy eyes that she is sporting.

"You can come back again", her dad says to Virgil though Carrie notes his voice sounds weaker than she is used to hearing.

"Where have you been hiding this one, Carrie? How come I'm only meeting him on my death bed?"

"Dad!", Carrie reproaches him. She can't deal with jokes about him dying.

"She has me chained to my van, Mr Mathison."

"Does she now?", her dad asks grinning. "And it's Frank. Mr Mathison makes me feel older than I know I am."

Virgil grins back.

"Dad. He didn't mean like that. He meant I work him too hard."

Frank just raises his eyebrows at her.

"Oh, dad", she sighs, realising how much she is going to miss him. She meets her sister's eyes for a second and knows she is thinking the same thing.

"And anyway", she continues to distract herself, "he's married."

"Like that has stopped you before", Frank retorts half reproaching, half amused.

"Dad!", This time it is Maggie trying to reign him in.

Virgil is sniggering away to himself.

"See this?", Frank asks in a conspiratory whisper to Virgil, "all their lives from they were old enough to talk and this one", he says pointing at Carrie, "from even before she could talk, the two of the have been ganging up on me." He shakes his head in mock rage.

"But I bet you wouldn't have it any other way", Virgil asks.

"Damn right I wouldn't", Frank replies, eyes glinting with mischief. "Got to have some fun with my girls even if they are giving me into trouble."

"How are my 3 beautiful granddaughters?", Frank asks suddenly becoming serious.

"Ruby is playing with Frannie in the sitting room and seems ok", Carrie answers.

"Doesn't mean she is though."

Carrie automatically looks at Virgil as her father's words practically mimic what Virgil said to her earlier.

"Josie is in her room, dad. I don't think she'll want to talk right now", Maggie confirms.

"No, I don't imagine she will", Frank says with a dirty look on his face. "Just leave her until she is ready."

"That could be a while, dad. She's really upset. She can really sulk when she wants."

"Well, don't force her. That is the worst thing you can do", he says looking between Carrie and Maggie, knowingly. Maggie looks away first.

"And of course she can sulk. She is a Mathison."

"I'll go check on them", Maggie says, getting up. Carrie watches her go.

"Go talk to your sister."

"But…"

"Don't use me as an excuse, Carrie. If I show signs of croaking it in the next half an hour, I'm sure Virgil will come get you."

"Dad, that is not funny", Carrie rebukes him seriously.

"That's me told", he says to Virgil.

"Yeah, she's good at laying down the law."

"I'm still here you know", Carrie says annoyed.

"I don't know why when your sister is out there. Go on get out, so me and Virgil can have some boy talk."

Carrie rolls her eyes. She didn't like to think what that might include, but she did as she was told. As she was shutting the door behind her she heard her dad say to Virgil "did she just do as she was told? And it only took me two goes. Write down the date and time. That has to be a record!" And then Virgil's laughter.

She stares down the hall knowing that her dad and Virgil are both right. She does need to speak with Maggie, but she has no clue how. She forces herself forward. No time like the present.


	6. Never two the same

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Shockey 13 – thank you for sticking with me. Maggie and Carrie begin the process of resolving their tension in this chapter. The Frank scenes are wonderful and sad to write simultaneously.

Zarqa – thank you so much. I do love looking at Carrie's family.

Lipamo – thank you again. I'll freely admit to not intending on it. I always re-read the previous chapter whilst writing the next and I noted the chapter title and it came to me. I'd love to say I had it all thought out when I named chapter 4, but alas, I didn't – I agree that Carrie needs to wake up…but do think Maggie needs to as well.

Cara – thank you so much for the kind words. Re her family not understanding, but Frank. That is intentional and this chapter starts to address the issue and I hope you enjoy it.

Littlemousegray –thank you very much for the review. Glad you like it. It's hard to try and pin point what would make her leave.

A/N Carrie and Maggie have a chat as do Virgil and Frank. Thank you to everyone, reading/reviewing and faving/following. Please let me know what you think.

* * *

><p>"Are you going to come in or what?", Maggie questions impatiently.<p>

Carrie had watched her check on Josie, Ruby and Frannie, but to Carrie's surprise Maggie had not stayed downstairs with them. She had come upstairs and as Carrie made her way slowly behind her sister, she could hear her sobbing as she approached her room. She had stood at the door just watching her and didn't think Maggie had even noticed her. She apprehensively walks into her sister's room to sit down next to her on her bed. Maggie doesn't even try to hide her tear stained cheeks.

The silence engulfing them disconcerts Carrie because Maggie usually says what is on her mind and Carrie knows there is a lot on Maggie's mind about her that she wouldn't normally hesitate to let out. She can't escape the feeling that she is going to have to be the one who talks first and she doesn't like it. Virgil said that she couldn't keep running every time family life made her uncomfortable but it always seemed to be her first instinct. Deep down she knows she can't and didn't she say to Saul herself that it was time she stopped running.

Unwilling to sit in suffocating silence any longer, Carrie eyes her sister up and takes a deep breath, "I don't trust myself with Frannie. That's why I ran. It's not the only reason, but one of the main reasons."

Maggie looks at her firstly in surprise, but then with curiosity. "What do you mean?"

Carrie looks down at her shoes contemplating what exactly to say. She doesn't think she could ever tell Maggie she had for one second considered drowning her kid, because she knew it likely that Maggie could never understand or forgive such an act. Could she come back from it though if she wasn't able to admit it out loud? Could she even come back from it anyway? She wasn't sure. She tried not to think about it. It inevitably led to thinking what Brody would have to say about it.

"I'm dangerous. People die around me."

Maggie's face hardens. "Bullshit, Carrie. That is the easy way out. So, you don't have to deal with her. I'm still alive."

"Yeah, you are. I'm never here, remember? You should as you are constantly fucking giving me grief for it."

"What do you expect? You have family, a daughter and the responsibilities that go with that."

"You should have let me give her up for adoption like I wanted to in the first place!", Carrie snaps back angrily. It is a low blow and she knows it, but it also happens to be true. Well, dad had said he would take her and though she'd never have admitted it at the time, she had been glad as it would give her time to think, but things never work out the way they should. She didn't think so much as run and dad got ill, leaving it all to Maggie.

Carrie had never known Maggie to not have something to say. They usually exchanged angry words with each other as they were like chalk and cheese, but Maggie just stared at her now. Her expression did not say she was backing down. She was clearly waiting for Carrie to explain further.

"She looks like him", Carrie whispers breaking the silence.

"I noticed."

"What am I supposed to tell her when she's older? She'll hate me if I tell her the truth and I'm not sure I could lie to her about him."

"She's not even one yet", Maggie replies with an edge to her voice.

Carrie could tell by the tone of Maggie's voice they were likely heading for some sort of argument, but she couldn't help but bite back, "so? It's going to happen. One day she'll ask. I'll have to tell her and she will hate me."

"Ah, I see how it is. You predict that what, maybe 15 years or so in the future, your daughter might feel justified in deciding she doesn't love you anymore, so you'll just deny her that love from the offset?" That sound about right?", Maggie asks her voice dangerously low.

"To save her from that", Carrie shoots back though not as convinced as she had been making the argument in her head.

"Rubbish", Maggie does not let up. "To save yourself from that. You're scared of being able to love her and then losing her. Well tough. It's a sacrifice that every parent has to make. My 11 year old has decided she hates me. How do you think that makes me feel?…and what exactly do you think I am supposed to tell Frannie when she asks about him? If you leave, what am I supposed to tell her when she asks about you?

"I could put her up for adoption now."

Maggie does not answer right away and Carrie is forced to look at her. Maggie is looking at her as though she is struggling to see her.

"My husband has walked out, my 11 year old hates me and my 14 year old is almost as stressed as me despite trying to hide it. None of that is Frannie's fault. Partly her mother's fault," Maggie looks at Carrie pointedly. "But not hers. We love that little girl. She is going nowhere. She needs her family. If you really mean that not to include you then fine, but she is staying where she is. Ruby in particular would be absolutely heartbroken."

"I don't know what I want", Carrie answers, voice rising. "I'm not like you."

"Well figure it out. Either stay and be part of her life or leave for good. She needs stability. She doesn't need you in and out like a fucking yoyo unable to decide whether you do or ever will be capable of loving her."

"I can't just fucking…do you…", Carrie splutters indignantly, so angry she struggles to get the words out at first. "Do you think I want to fucking feel this way about my kid?"

Maggie opens her mouth to answer, but Carrie's emotions burst their banks and she can't help the panicked yelling that escapes her, filled with self-loathing and shame, but most of all fear.

"And yes I am fucking scared of loving her and then losing her. I don't know if I could take that. You think I don't know I'm supposed to love her and never want to be away from her? YOU THINK I DON'T FUCKING KNOW THAT? HE IS THE ONE WHO LOVED KIDS! HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!"

Carrie slides off the bed, her head resting against it with her face in her hands sobbing uncontrollably. She hears Maggie sitting down next to her and is surprised when she leans over to pull her into a hug.

* * *

><p>Virgil sits next to Frank, horrified at the coughing fit that had overtaken the dying man. After a few moments when the fit seemed to show no signs of stopping, Virgil stood up in order to go and get Maggie, but Frank grabbed a hold of his arm and shaking his head, pleading with his eyes for him not to do that. So, Virgil sat with him doing the only thing he could and let Frank squeeze his hand when it became too much.<p>

"Thank you", Frank wheezes out some minutes later once able to speak again. "For not going to get Maggie. She would have been able to tell that I had been holding that in for a while. She wouldn't be happy."

Virgil responds by helping Frank take some water, but concern and horror do not prevent him from attempting to chastise the man he knows means so much to Carrie, "that's because you're not supposed to. It does more damage."

Frank looks slightly amused, "are you giving me into trouble?"

"I, well…I guess I am."

Frank smiles at him sheepishly, but then turns serious. "I know my daughters, Virgil. They are both strong in different ways, but more vulnerable than either of them would be willing to admit. They are also widely different with different ways of living and ideas on how to do that. The one thing they do have in common and, not to blow my own trumpet, is me. But I am dying and there is nothing to be done about it. It won't be long now. I can feel it. I need them to talk. I need to know before I go that they are going to be able to turn to each other."

Virgil nods his head to show he is listening and to agree.

"Maggie took on responsibility at young age. She was always a smart girl and compassionate. Always wanting to help others and it didn't escape her notice that her mother struggled to cope with my condition. It seemed natural when she decided to become a doctor."

Virgil is fascinated about this and pays rapt attention, but there is a sadness clutching at him as he knows there is only one reason Frank Mathison is sharing all this information with him.

"As a result she is also very serious in a way that Carrie isn't. Maggie is cautious to Carrie's dare devil. I'm worried because with every passing day I can see my eldest child fighting not to resent her sister and on one hand I don't blame her because she is here picking up all the responsibility again. On the other hand, she has never been open minded about what Carrie does."

Virgil looks at Frank with surprise. He never imagined to hear him talking in favour of Carrie's work. His surprise must have shown on his face because Frank continues, "don't get me wrong. I wish she'd never met that Saul Berenson or stepped foot inside Langley. No offence to you, Virgil."

"None taken", Virgil replies sincerely, caught up in what Frank is trying to tell him.

"That is the dad in me wanting to protect his little girl. The fact is that father or not, I have no right to tell her what to do with or how to live her life. Every time she returned to Langley after something had went wrong it hurt, but I let her go because she was going anyway and I'd rather she went knowing she could come back if she needed to, than went with the feeling that she couldn't. Maggie is a different story. Maggie wants the 'who, what, where, why and how' of it all. She hates being told that Carrie can't tell her. She doesn't consider that she is better off not knowing. Her sister isn't here when Maggie thinks she should be. It's partly my fault because I was so bitter about their mother leaving. I never checked myself for that. It rubbed off on Maggie and I can see her struggling with the same feelings towards Carrie that she has about their mom. That is not a good thing for either of them. Both of them need to be a bit more understanding about where the other is coming from."

"I'll do what I can to help", Virgil says.

"I was hoping you would say that", Frank grins.

Virgil lets out a laugh, "oh, I see where Carrie gets it from now."

"Yeah, now you know. Guilty as charged", Frank holds his hands up, smiling briefly before becoming serious again. "My daughters both deal in jobs where they see death constantly and yet neither of them seem willing or able to deal with my impending departure. I suppose that is only natural. I'm worried for them both. Maggie will immerse herself in preparations for the funeral. She'll feel the need to take on that responsibility. She won't rest until it is all over and that is when what she has been ignoring will hit her and if they can't sort out their issues, she's likely to lash out at Carrie. As for Carrie, she's changing and I don't know if that is good or bad. I have never known my girl to be so uncertain about what she wants. I do know she has given up her job and I know she's been ignoring calls from them. I've seen it when she is in here with me. She loved that job. It must be really bad for her to quit of her own choice. I haven't heard her mention Langley since she got back. Not by name anyway. "Do you know exactly why she quit?"

Virgil meets Frank's piercing gaze. "No. Not exactly. She just said things got bad over in Islamabad. I didn't press her on it. I learned as well it is not a good thing to do. If she wants to tell me, she will."

Frank nods his head approvingly at Virgil, "do you think you could teach her big sister that?"

Virgil smiles sadly at Frank.

"I'm also worried because she doesn't know what she wants with Frannie and I know she hasn't really dealt with his death yet either. You know who I mean, right?", Frank asks looking at Virgil concerned.

"Yeah, I know and like I said, I'll help however I can."

"Just keep an eye on her for me."

"Them", Virgil replies. I'll keep an eye on them for you."

Frank nods gratefully at Virgil, "thank you."

"We do what we can for our friends and our family and sometimes, our friends are our family."

Frank stares at Virgil for a minute. "Could you get some paper and a pen and write something for me?"

"Yeah", Virgil replies taken by surprise.

"There is some in the top drawer of the desk just behind you."

Virgil turns around and opens the top drawer finding paper and a pen as Frank said. He turns back to face Frank with paper and pen in his hand.

"You ready?", Frank asks.

Virgil nods his head in anticipation.

"Ok then", Frank says, sitting himself up a bit higher in his bed. "Dear Lewis and Clark…"


	7. Open up your Heart

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

LilMisfit – thank you lots. Hope work settles down for you. It's horrible being knackered at Christmas time.

Zarqa- thank you as well. What Frank says is to his girls is coming, but not this chapter. Sorry to make you wait.

Littlemousegray- thank you for the review and the fav. Hope this chapter satisfies.

A/N another step on the way to resolving matters.

* * *

><p>"You, ok, son?", Frank asks as Virgil returns handing him a mug of coffee.<p>

Virgil can't help but smile at Frank calling him son. "I'm just…it's….", Virgil gives up finding it difficult to verbalise his feelings at the moment.

"I know it was a lot to ask", Frank says, voice croaky. "I'm sorry if it upset you. If I could have written the letters myself, I would have."

"I was glad to do it, Frank and you wrote the envelopes. That is the first thing they'll notice. I never knew they'd been that close."

"Well, they grew up and away from each other", Frank sighs. There is one other thing I want to ask of you", he says looking at Virgil again.

"What is it?", Virgil enquires kindly.

"That you don't give them the letters until after I'm gone."

If Virgil hadn't been aware of the content he might have argued, but Frank Mathison wore his heart on his sleeve and Virgil had come to realise pretty quickly that this father was the all seeing eye of the family. He saw everything. He knows his girls. "I'll keep them safe for the time being."

"Thank you."

Virgil inclines his head in acceptance.

Virgil watches Frank lift up his mug of coffee and struggling with a very shaky hand. Virgil is waiting to help if need be but knows Frank will want to do this himself. Eventually he manages to get the cup to his lips and takes a drink.

"Hit the spot", he says, grinning at Virgil.

Virgil laughs and takes a drink from his own mug. Maggie and Carrie would probably kill him if they knew he'd given in to Frank's request for an Irish coffee. In the end Frank had convinced him one whiskey was hardly going to make a difference and Virgil needed it himself. He is emotionally exhausted. He'd have guessed Carrie traipsing about pretending to be an explorer in all sorts of weather, but not necessarily Maggie. The idea of Carrie allowing anyone to tuck her up in bed seemed diabolical to him, but then that is the woman he knows now, not the little girl that her father and sister know so well. The thing that really got him was that Frank is more afraid for them than himself. It shines through in his words. The selflessness of a parent, ignoring his own issues to look after his daughters and granddaughters. Virgil takes another drink to calm his nerves.

* * *

><p>"I'm so very scared that I will screw her life up", Carrie admits quietly to Maggie. Carrie isn't sure how long they have been sitting in silence, but the fact Maggie isn't shouting or having a go at her encouraged her to keep talking.<p>

Maggie is silent for a while and Carrie can tell she is choosing her words carefully. "You could just as easily do that by staying away."

"This is me we're talking about."

Maggie continues as though Carrie hadn't spoken, "Psychologically speaking knowing who we are matters a lot to us. Knowing that we are loved matters."

"That's right make me feel guilty", Carrie replies, hackles up and feeling disappointed just when she thought Maggie was listening to her.

Maggie pulls back from her, "that is not what I'm trying to do."

"Sounds like it", Carrie replies defensively.

Maggie stands up and paces "you know, sometimes you are just so frustrating. I'm just trying to help you see that walking out might not be the clear cut solution you seem to think it will be. You keep going on about her wanting to know about him. That's not going to be an easy question to answer when I don't know half the shit that has happened."

"You don't want to", Carrie mutters darkly.

Maggie stops pacing and looks at Carrie as though she wants to argue at first, but when she eventually speaks she takes Carrie by surprise, "maybe I don't, but why is it always about him? I know you miss him, I do. I can see that. Anyone can see that. But you're her mom every bit as much as he is her father. Why do you have it in your head she'd only wonder about him? You think she wouldn't notice her absent mother too?"

Carrie looks away from Maggie not looking at anything in particular. She has no answer.

"What is stopping you, Carrie? What is really stopping you? Is it because he's dead and you are still somehow standing upright?

A strangled sob is all that escapes Carrie's lips as she wraps her arms around herself. Maggie retakes her place next to Carrie allowing her to put her head on her shoulder.

"You're still alive and you're going to have to do the best you can with that without him. You said I was trying to make you feel guilty, but it seems you're carrying around a lot anyway without anyone's help."

"But you said…Bill and Josie…", Carrie looks at Maggie in confusion.

"Yeah, well sometimes I'm wrong too. I'm sorry." Carrie is genuinely shocked and has no clue what to say. It has been hard", Maggie continues, "but you know what I've realised while I had some time to think?"

Carrie shakes her head. She has no idea.

"What I realised is that he kept going on about me not having any time for him, but who did everything? Who gets the kids up and takes them to School, who sorts the dinners and arranges all the clubs they go to. Who does fucking everything? Me! And that was before Frannie was born and before dad got ill. Everything was on his terms and did he lift a fucking finger to help when I really needed it? Did he fuck? All he was worried about was it infringing on his free time. Now he has Josie wound up with his bitter rants. So fuck him, the wanker."

Carrie stares at her sister in amazement. "Are you channelling me?"

Maggie shrugs, "that'd scare the shit out of him."

"Should I take that as a compliment or an insult?

"Definitely a compliment." Maggie reaches over and takes Carrie's hand. "I'll try not to push, but I need you to talk to me. I can't help if you shut me out."

Carrie nods her head, "I'm not ready to be on my own with her."

"We can work something out. The nanny is still a good help too."

"Virgil will help when he can", Carrie says confidently.

Speaking of Virgil, he's been down there a while with dad himself. We should probably get back down stairs. Maggie rises to her feet and pulls Carrie up. As Maggie starts to walk to the room door, she finds herself being pulled into a hug by her sister.

"Thank you for looking after her."

"Always. No matter what", Maggie whispers in Carrie's ears, a thousand unspoken words included.

* * *

><p>Maggie and Carrie open the door to their father's room and are greeted by the sound of laughter. Virgil is literally wetting himself.<p>

"Do we want to know?", Maggie asks at the same time Carrie says "you two seem merry."

"No", Virgil answers Maggie as Frank answers Carrie, "yes we are". The two of them look at each other grinning.

"Are you two hiding something?", Carrie asks suspiciously, looking between them.

"Oh watch out. The spy is on the case", Frank says with mirth.

"Intelligence Officer", Carrie retorts.

"Spy!", Frank and Virgil answer her back.

Carrie narrows her eyes at Virgil. "What?", he asks holding his arms out.

"Virgil, can you stay for dinner?", Maggie asks.

"Yeah. The wife took her sister out for her birthday and will be staying there, so I'm off the leash."

"I'll help", Carrie says. What are we having?"

"Well, I was thinking about that", Maggie answers.

"Uh huh", Carrie probes.

"I was thinking I can't be bothered cooking and we should just order in. Chinese ok with everyone? I can just give Frannie the mince and potatoes meal."

"Fine by me", Virgil answers."

"Hell, yes", Frank replies.

"You feeling ok, doctor?", Carrie asks playfully to Maggie.

"Why do you want to get the thermometer and check my temperature?", Maggie grins back at her.

Virgil looks between the two of them in shock, but as he looks at Frank, he sees him smiling at the way they are talking to each other.

"I'll go tell the girls. The usual for you two?", she questions Carrie and Frank.

"Yes", they answer simultaneously.

"What about you, Virgil?"

"Chicken Curry with fried rice, thanks.

"I want to come sit at the table", Frank says as Maggie leaves. "I'm fed up in this bed."

"Dad, you can hardly walk, now", Carrie answers sadly.

For the first time since Virgil stepped foot in this room, Frank looks upset.

Getting to his feet, Virgil approaches Frank's bed. "What do you say you give me a shoulder to lean on, Frank. Somebody", Virgil mockingly glares at Carrie, "once kicked my right shin and it has never been the same since. It cramps up when it feels like it. So, I could do with the help."

"Probably my fault that", Frank responds as he allows Virgil to help him out of his bed. "I taught her to aim for the shins and the balls."

Virgil winces, "then I'll be forever grateful it was just my shin."

Carrie smiles as she watches her dad and Virgil interact.

* * *

><p>"Mom can we watch TV until dinner comes?", Ruby shouts from the sitting room.<p>

"Yes", Maggie shouts back.

"We?", Carrie questions. "Josie came out of her room?"

"Nothing to do with me", Maggie replies. "You can thank the food and Grandpa for that."

"Give her time, Maggie. She'll get past it", Frank says wisely.

"You want another coffee, dad?", Carrie asks as she helps Maggie set the table.

"Yes, that would be lovely", Frank looks at Virgil as he replies.

"I'll fix it Carrie, you help Maggie", Virgil says, taking Frank's hint.

"You sure, Virgil?"

"Leave him be, Carrie", Frank intervenes. "Besides, he makes a good coffee."

"Yeah, I know he does…it came in handy…"

A light bulb suddenly switches on in her head. Carrie looks at her dad only to see his eyes twinkling and she looks at Virgil who is now deliberately avoiding her gaze. She looks back at her dad who has his finger on his lips. Carrie shakes her head and continues setting the table.

Carrie sits down next to Frannie who has her bowl of mince and potatoes in front of her. She is staring around at everyone and talking away to herself animatedly. When her eyes land on Frank, she stares for a second before giggling and then turning back to telling off the bowl in front of her.

"I've taught her well", Franks says smiling. I remember when you two used to do that", Frank talks to Maggie and Carrie.

"We did not", they both protest.

"Yes you did."

Maggie puts Frannie's bib on her and is about to start feeding her.

"I'll…can I do it?", Carrie asks tentatively.

Maggie hands her the spoon and Carrie is glad that neither her dad nor Maggie make a fuss out of it.

"Oh bloody hell!", Virgil exclaims as his phone rings loudly.

Everyone, including Frannie stares at him.

"What is it Max?", Virgil asks exasperated as he answers the phone.

"What?"

"I say again you did what?"

"I don't care, Max. Don't ever track my phone again unless you think I'm in danger."

Carrie looks up sharply, senses on alert.

"Yes, I'll tell her."

Virgil hangs up without saying goodbye.

"Sorry about that", Virgil says embarrassed. "Little brothers, what you going to do?", he shrugs his shoulders going back to making Frank's coffee.

"Tell me what?", Carrie asks when Virgil doesn't say anything right away.

Virgil can't help but flick his eyes to Maggie who notices.

"Does she need to go into work?", Maggie asks.

"No", Virgil answers quickly. "Well, yes, but no, but…", he looks at Carrie for help.

Carrie sighs. "I quit my job, Maggie. Virgil, what is it?"

"You what?", Maggie asks astonished.

"I quit", Carrie repeats as Frannie bangs her little fist on the tray of her high chair, demanding Carrie's attention and more food. Carrie surprises even herself when she takes it in her stride and continues feeding her demanding little girl. "Virgil?", she questions again.

Virgil clears his throat. "Saul and Quinn have been trying to phone you, but you haven't been answering."

"And?"

"Max tried phoning me, but I was with your dad so didn't pick up. That's when he decided to track my phone and realised where I was. He tried again and well, you heard…anyway I've to tell you that you need to call Saul to arrange your exit interview."

"Right. I'll phone him tomorrow."

"You quit?", Maggie asks still in shock.

"Yes", Carrie answers as though it isn't a big deal. Can we talk about it later?

"But you quit!" Maggie repeats in disbelief.

The doorbell rings. Maggie gets up to go answer, as Carrie is still feeding Frannie. But she still seems shocked at the revelation.

"One coffee, served", Virgil puts the mug down in front of Frank.

"Lovely." Frank's face splits into a wide grin. He has his coffee and a couple of minutes later, the rest of his girls come sprinting into the kitchen behind their mother, their noses leading the way.


	8. Do you know if you are coming or going?

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Lipamo – thank you – It is sad and I'm right there with the tears too. It is definitely still a stoney road for her as this chapter shows. She's taken the first step though so that is good.

A/N Carrie's exit interview from the CIA. A talk with Saul and Quinn. Some dialogue from "The Choice" in here as well which belongs to Showtime, Gansa and Co.

* * *

><p>"Peter Quinn was ready to leave the Agency, but you asked him to go to Islamabad?"<p>

"Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?", Carrie asks exasperated.

"Why did you ask him?"

"He's reliable. I know I can trust him."

"Are those the only reasons?", Byatt probes.

"Yes. What other reasons would there be?"

"Hmm", Byatt scribbles something on her notes.

"Hmm? What does that mean?", Carrie asks uneasily as a dozen moments she'd tried to ignore cross her mind.

"Why now?"

"What?" Carrie asks, exasperation giving way to frustration. She'd been in here a while with Dr Byatt throwing questions at her and changing track so often she is finding it hard to keep up with which fucker she is supposed to be answering. It didn't help that Brody's name kept coming up.

"Your mind doesn't seem to be here just now", Dr Byatt changes track again. "In fact, it seems as though this is an inconvenience to you."

Carrie knew better than to give the answer she wanted to. She settles for holding her tongue, but glares at Byatt.

"Why?"

"My father is ill. Dying in fact. I'd rather…"

"I'm asking why you are choosing to leave now", Byatt interrupts.

Carrie barely suppresses a growl. Byatt doesn't even look up at her. She is flicking through a lot of notes.

"Because now is the right time."

"Why not after Iran?"

"I…"

"Why take a promotion? Why push for a position where your daughter could not be with you?"

Carrie could not bring herself to answer. She knew perfectly well why and regardless of her silence, Byatt probably knew too.

"You said to Director Berenson that you needed to face your responsibility to your daughter. Why now and not then? You had no problem going to Islamabad and leaving her with your sister." Byatt stares right at Carrie now, making her uncomfortable. "There was a period where you were out of the Agency and when asked to help with a situation in Beruit, you initially refused. Subsequently, you then agreed."

"Your point?", Carrie asks agitated.

"I am reliably informed that while you were out of the Agency, you were doing well. You were in a good place." Byatt pushes, unrelenting, "In December 2012, Director Berenson informs me that even though the likelihood of you being asked to return was on the horizon you gave the impression you were ready to give it up to be with Nicholas Brody.

Carrie fights for control. She doesn't want to lose it in front of this woman, but now she feels trapped. She remembers it as if it were yesterday.

"_It's up to you. I'm in." _She could see how much he wanted it and had done what she always did when pressured. She stalled_. "I have to, uh - Think? - Yeah. I wish I could have both- you and the job."_

_"I know. And I'll understand, whatever you decide." _If he could have foreseen what that decision would be, she doubts he'd have let those words leave his mouth.

_"I'm gonna go to my sister's tonight, see them, just play this out."_

"_But we could be happy, couldn't we?"_

"_Imagine that."_

You really don't know what you want, do you Miss Mathison?"

Carrie is pulled back to the present by Byatt's voice.

"You change your mind constantly. In and out, yes and no. But you didn't leave with him. In fact you then…"

"I should have!", Carrie angrily pants out as though she'd been running for miles. It felt like she has anyway.

"Excuse me?"

"I said I should have", Carrie repeats even though she knows Byatt heard her fine first time, but she is on the back foot and on edge. She doesn't want to be here. Byatt had touched a nerve because now that she is in the building the temptation is there. She wants to remove herself from the building as fast as possible thereby removing that temptation from the equation. She doesn't need to be told how conflicted she is. She knows that better than anyone.

"Even knowing what he was?"

Carrie has a sudden feeling that this question was always coming and a feeling that it's not only Byatt observing her.

"_He's a man who put on a suicide vest, Carrie. That's who he is. That's who he always will be."_

_"I know everything he is. But it's complicated."_

_"No, it's crystal clear. You cannot be with him."_

_"Who are you to say that to me?"_

"_You can do whatever you want. An intelligence officer can't."_

_"Don't you think I know that?" _

"_So you're choosing him over us?" _

"_I don't know!"_

"_You're throwing your life away."_

_"Or maybe I'm-I'm just not giving it away, to this place."_

"Miss Mathison?"

"What?", Carrie snaps as her thoughts are interrupted.

"Even knowing what he was?"

Carrie stares at Byatt for a few seconds. Now, she is sure that this question is deliberate. She hasn't repeated a question once the entire time she's been here. Carrie looks around for where the camera might be. When she finds it, she answers the question looking at it, not Byatt.

"I know everything he is. But it's complicated. He's the man I love. That's who he is. That's who he will always be."

"And yet you…"

"I put the intelligence Officer first and didn't listen to what my heart was telling me. Now I have to deal with the fall out", Carrie interrupts turning back to Dr Byatt and building up a head of steam. "Why now? I'll tell you why, because now is when I have realised how much I need to not be here making decisions about who lives and who dies. After Iran, I just wanted to run. So that's what I did. My sister, she's stable and dependable. Me, I ran away where I couldn't take my daughter who looks so much like her father because I wasn't ready."

"Wasn't ready for what?"

Carrie takes a deep breath trying not to let the tears come. "I wasn't ready to deal with the fact I'm the one that sent him to his death."

"And you are now?"

"With my sister's help? Yes. That good place you spoke about earlier? She can help me get back somewhere near it."

"You think it is that easy?", Dr Byatt asks.

"I know it's not", Carrie looks her straight in the eye, "but there is one difference between then and now."

"Oh and what is that?"

"Then my refusal was a 'fuck you' because I was still pissed at Estes. Back then I really wanted back in. But now, I really want out and I won't change my mind."

"Are you sure about that Miss Mathison? Because if you are then…"

"Look, no offence, but I have somewhere else more important to be right now, so I'll save you the hassle. Am I going to go and scream from the hill tops about Brody not being the Langley Bomber? No. I'm not. No one would believe that now anyway. I haven't been able to be alone with Frannie yet, but I have been spending time with her and do you know what I realised? It suddenly just occurred to me that she has a half brother and sister she is likely never going to meet and I found myself wondering if they are ok. It never crossed my mind before to think about it. If anyone has a reason to scream from the hill tops about life shitting on them and being unfair, it's them. Not me. I sent him to his death. I don't get to scream from the hill tops."

"That is a lot of guilt and self-loathing, Miss Mathison."

"There's a lot to be guilty about and a lot to loathe, but my sister is a psychiatrist."

"But not an agency approve one."

"No, but she is mine and you know, she'd have to be stupid not to know who Frannie's dad is. My sister is not stupid. It's not going to be easy. I know that because I know me, but it is simple to put it in front of you. I'm choosing our child over this agency. I can do what I like. I'm not an Intelligence Officer anymore."

Carrie stands up, lifting her bag and putting her jacket on. She turns to leave expecting Dr Byatt to stop her, but she doesn't.

"Goodbye Miss Mathison."

Carrie walks out the door without reply or looking back.

* * *

><p>Carrie had known he would follow her. Part of her wanted to keep on walking and not look back, but another part of her did not want to leave it like this with him. She waits for him and he does not disappoint.<p>

"I hear you loud and clear, Carrie."

"I hope so, Saul. I don't want there to be a wall between us."

Saul looks at the section of memorial wall they are standing in front of, "are you speaking metaphorically or literally?"

"I didn't expect it to still be there, to be honest. I thought someone might have scrubbed it off by now", Carrie traces Brody's star with her finger. It has faded, but is still there.

"Not while I'm Director."

Carrie looks round at Saul in disbelief.

"I am sorry", Saul repeats his words from that horrible day when it became clear Brody would not be coming home.

"I know. It's just always easier to blame someone else than look at yourself."

"I am the one that put you in that position."

"And I'm the one who should have said no, Saul."

"Baghdad", Saul says.

"What?"

"I keep repeating that mistake don't I? I knew at the memorial service after Lockhart became Director that you and I weren't ok. That you weren't ok, but I ignored that as well. I should have said something. I should have…" Saul trails off, but Carrie knows what he is trying to say. They stand in silence for a few moments, but unlike as with recent encounters this one is not uncomfortable.

"You know I'm not sure if he would even want to be on that wall", Carrie voices her thoughts. "It just felt like the right thing to do at the time."

With one last touch, Carrie turns towards the front door, Saul coming with her.

"How's your dad?"

"Not…not good. He's trying to hide how bad it is from us, but Maggie's a doctor and I'm quite observant."

"That you are. Tell him I'm asking for him."

"I will."

"Though if it is ok, I might try and come and see him."

"Yeah, that'd be good."

They find themselves at the front door and now it is a bit awkward.

"Look after yourself, Carrie."

Carrie snorts, "I'm not the one with the stressful job, Director." Saul smiles warmly at her and she finds herself wrapping her arms around him. He seems surprised at first, but returns it just as warmly.

* * *

><p>Carrie climbs in her car, shutting the door and leaning back in the seat taking a moment to process everything. She is leaving Langley and it really is for good.<p>

"You know, you really should keep your eyes open. You don't know what sort of creeps are about", Quinn says climbing into the passenger seat from the back.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Quinn. Give me a heart attack why don't you?"

"So, you really are done?", Quinn wastes no time getting to the point.

"Yes."

"Where does that leave me?"

"That's up to you."

"You're the one that asked me to go to Islamabad."

"I know. Shit, I know and I'm sorry."

"Maybe I could quit and give you a hand."

"No."

"Thought you said it was up to me?"

"Whether you stay with the Agency or not, that's up to you."

"Thought I was reliable and trustworthy?", Quinn asks with some bite.

Carrie stares at him for a second, "you were fucking watching too?"

Quinn doesn't answer but instead stares at Carrie until she is forced to look away.

"I need space Quinn. I need to work out how to be and if I can be a mother. I can't do this right now."

"Do what?"

"You want me to say it? You really need me to say it?"

Quinn shrugs and there's something in his eyes that forces Carrie to speak, "I can't do a relationship right now, Quinn. Not with you. Not with anyone."

"So that is a no then?", he asks, voice cold and hard.

Carrie sighs, "it's just not a yes. Not now."

"Maybe I can't wait forever."

"I wouldn't ask you to."

Quinn stares at her for a while, but Carrie can't meet his eyes. Eventually he gets out of the car. Carrie watches him until he is out of sight.


	9. Goodnight

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Lipamo – I am so glad you liked it. I was a bit worried about that chapter. I totally get what you mean about Brody. Thanks.

Littlemousegray – Thank you so much. Being honest, I have no idea why they kept her never mind promoted her, but hey ho…I don't think she will change her mind, but can an intelligence officer ever really be out? I'm glad you mentioned her not having Brody figured out. Love hurts. In some ways she knows him better than anyone, but in others as you say she doesn't have him figured out. I find Quinn hard to write, but hiding in the back of the car seemed like something he would do. As for Saul… for Carrie.

A/N might need tissues for this.

* * *

><p>Carrie has no idea how she managed to make it home without getting pulled over by the Police. All thoughts of the possibility of having pushed Quinn away for good having been pushed out of her mind when she received Maggie's phone call to get home quick. Maggie had been unable to articulate the reason but Carrie didn't need her to. There was only one reason Maggie would be in such a state that she could not properly speak. By the time Carrie had managed to get away from Langley people were leaving work for the day and it was rush hour traffic. Carrie's driving was as erratic and careless as she was frantic. She did not want him to go at all, but she knew in her heart it was coming. She needed to be there. The thought of not being there terrified her even more than his dying.<p>

She is out of the car, up the driveway and through the front door before she is conscious of it. She is moving on instinct alone. The house is eerily silent and apparently empty as she moves through, but Carrie knew better. She walks straight for her father's room.

Carrie hesitates, frozen in the doorway as her dad's breathing is heavy and ragged. Maggie holds his hand as she wipes his face with a damp cloth. Ruby, eyes red, is sitting next to her mother. She holds Frannie in her arms as Carrie has seen her do many times since coming back, but this time Carrie suspects her daughter is the one doing the comforting even if she is totally unware of it. Sadness flows off of Ruby in waves. There is another emotion thick in the air…fear. Carrie sees Josie standing back from the bed and away from her mother and sister. The last week or so her Grandpa is the only one Josie would seek out to speak to, only speaking to the rest of them when absolutely necessary. She is coiled like a spring. Her entire body tense. Carrie recognises on her niece's face and through her body language the need to run as the world you know threatens to come crashing down around you.

Carrie walks into the room and sits down next to her dad on the opposite side from Maggie and takes his other hand, squeezing it tightly to let him know she is there.

"Car...", her dad struggles to say her name.

"Shhh, dad. I'm here." He turns his head to look at her. Carrie sees him trying his best to focus on her, but his eyes are clouded. Nonetheless he smiles as best he can at her. Carrie feels her chest tighten. Her dad turns his head away from her to look at Josie. He lets go of Carrie's hand for a few seconds to gesture to Josie to come closer. Josie stays frozen in place, but Frank is not offended. He gestures to Ruby to come closer to him with Frannie. Letting go of Maggie's hand as well, he pats the side of his bed where he wants Ruby to sit. Ruby moves beside him as carefully as she can, not wanting to hurt him.

"Hhold hher", Frank manages to stutter out. Carrie realises what he is asking as does Ruby who looks at her. Carrie nods her head and leans over to help Ruby put Frannie in her Grandpa's arms. Josie lets out a loud sob that catches everyone's attention. Carrie sees herself reflected in her niece in that moment. That feeling of being on the outside and unable to be part of the family. She would never wish that feeling of loneliness on anyone. Even though she knows she is the person Josie is most angry with, she holds out her hand to her. Josie's eyes are filled with resentment at first and though she sobs harder, she stays where she is. Carrie does not lower her hand, refusing to look away. She sees Josie's need to be angry dissipating before her. Suddenly, Josie reaches out and takes Carrie's hand. Carrie pulls her up next to her Grandpa.

Frank beckons Josie closer to him and Josie leans in as he indicates her to do so and he whispers something in her ear. Josie nods her head as she leans back, wiping at her eyes but unable to stem the flow of tears.

Frannie is wriggling in her Grandpa's arms a bit and Carrie has to help him keep a hold of her. Frannie reaches up with her little hand to pull at her Grandpa's nose.

"Frannie, no", Carrie scolds as gently as she can. A big grin, however, splits Frank's face. Frannie follows the voice and looks round at Carrie with big round eyes for a second before she turns back to her Grandpa and tries to kiss his nose though looking like she is trying to eat it. Frank responds by trying to blow raspberries on Frannie's cheek. Frannie tries to copy her Grandpa and blow raspberries on him, giggling all the while. Frank wheezes out a laugh encouraging Frannie further. Frank looks at Ruby and Josie, still laughing and trying to cajole his other two grandchildren to join in. He doesn't speak, focusing all his energy into laughing, but Ruby and Josie are old enough to read their Grandpa's eyes and understand, though it seems neither of them can bring themselves to laugh which Carrie understands. Their Grandpa is nothing if not determined. He beckons each of them closer still and Carrie and Maggie watch as he blows raspberries on their cheeks too, with Frannie again copying him. Ruby seems stunned at first, but then she joins in the laughing. It takes longer to get Josie to join in, but they get there. For a while the atmosphere previously dominated by sadness and fear is dominated by joy.

But the laughing takes its toll on Frank. It gives way to coughing and he struggles to get a breath. Carrie lifts Frannie up from him to allow Maggie to help him. Ruby and Josie's eyes are filled with fear once more. They naturally move to pull away from what they fear but though he cannot speak their Grandpa holds on to them keeping them in place next to him, snuggled in.

No one moves at all and the room is mostly silent as they wait for what they know cannot be stopped. Carrie finds that Frannie is fascinated with her hair and has to stop her pulling at it and putting it in her mouth. When her eyes find her dad again, he is smiling through a grimace at them. Carrie can tell he is in pain. She hates to think of him in pain.

Now sure that Ruby and Josie will stay where they are, he once again takes Maggie and Carrie's hands pulling them as close as possible.

"ttiird", Frank manages to force out.

Carrie looks at Maggie and finds her sister unable to speak. It feels strange for Carrie. Maggie is usually the strong one in domestic situations. Carrie leans forward with Frannie, kisses her dad on the forehead and manages to choke out, "it is ok, dad. Go to sleep."

His eyes find her and Maggie again looking at them in wonder, a smile crossing his lips once more. They stay like that for a few moments and their dad seems to be somewhere else as though in a different time. Once again he focuses on them and puts all his effort into speaking.

"Goodnight Lewis, goodnight Clark." He squeezes their hands as hard as he is able.

"Goodnight, dad", Carrie and Maggie both manage to choke out, each of them kissing him once more.

The smile lights up his face, but then it slowly begins to fade. Frank's eyes begin to droop and eventually shut. Maggie is shaking in despair and Carrie sees where her hand is…on their dad's pulse counting down his heartbeats. Carrie sits Frannie down on the bed keeping one hand round her and lays her head down on her dad's chest and she counts with Maggie. She feels his heartbeats slowing down until they are no more. She cannot speak, cannot move. She stays where she is cuddled into her father.

Ruby refuses to let her Grandpa go, but finds a way to hug her mother all the same. Carrie is surprised when Josie does the same with her. Quiet sobbing fills the room with only Frannie unaffected. She wriggles out of her mother's arms and presses a slobbery kiss to her Grandpa's nose. Carrie sees the confusion and distress in her little girl's eyes as Grandpa does not respond. Carrie pulls her back towards her, but this time Josie is the one who lifts her into her arms and Carrie sees her niece sobbing hard into her little cousin's shoulder. Carrie wraps an arm around both of them.

Maggie's voice is cracking with emotion, "he's gone."


	10. Eleven

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Guest – thank you. Josie's childish anger is diminishing by the second to be replaced with some perspective. Carrie is surprisingly ok in this chapter…thank you for reading and reviewing.

Littlemousegray – Thank you so much for continuing to read and the kind words.

Shockey 13 – thank you. I agree about C9.

A/N A big thank you to mumsnet for their discussion on how to spell 'a raspberry' which I stumbled on. Serious yet hilarious at the same time. A big thank you to everyone reading and to all the new faving and following.

Happy Holidays to everyone and wish you all a happy New Year when the time comes.

* * *

><p>A banging noise stirs Carrie from her sleep. She hears muffled voices and then footsteps approaching. Groggy, Carrie intends to rub her eyes until the cold reality hits her. Her right hand is still holding onto her father's left hand. There is no ignoring the decreasing temperature of his body. Frank Mathison was a warm and loving person and the cold does not suit him. Ruby and Josie are asleep at the foot of their grandfather's bed, having refused their mother's request to leave the room to go to their own beds and cried themselves to sleep in each other's arms. Frannie is sound asleep in her travel cot. Carrie had brought it in, not wanting to leave her father but not wanting to be away from Frannie either. The prospect of being separated from her child did not appeal to her at this moment in time.<p>

Maggie re-enters the room with their father's Doctor who she called for not long after the girls had fallen asleep. Carrie must have followed them shortly thereafter.

"Oh Frank", he sighs and Carrie sees him wiping wetness from his eyes, but as he looks around the room a smile forms on his face. It is tinged with sadness, but is there nonetheless. His eyes settle on Carrie first of all and then he looks between her and Maggie. "I'm very sorry for your loss. But I know this is the way he wanted to go. He was determined he would be at home with his family around him." He turns to Frank and begins to open up his bag and starts to work.

"What are you doing?" Josie's asks, angry at the intrusion. Carrie had not heard her wake up. She had been focused on Maggie and Doctor Williams.

"Get away from Grandpa!" Josie's voice is forceful.

Dr Williams moves away slightly from Frank but he does not take his eyes off of Josie. "Josie", he begins.

The noise has woken up Ruby who stares around confused at everyone. Carrie glances at the cot to check on Frannie. She is still fast asleep. Carrie watches Frannie's chest rise and fall as her lungs contract in and out showing that precious sign of life, comforting her mother.

"How do you know who I am?", Josie demands from Doctor Williams. "We were never allowed in when Grandpa had his appointments."

"That is true", Doctor Williams acknowledges kindly to Josie. "But he spoke about all of you all of the time and liked to show off photos of his girls."

Josie watches Doctor Williams for a few moments in silence. He does not move back to Frank without permission. "What are you doing?", Josie asks again, but not as accusingly this time.

"As your grandfather's Doctor I have to give him an examination."

"Why?", Josie is unrelenting.

Doctor Williams looks at Maggie for help not sure what to tell her.

Maggie moves and sits down next to Josie. "Dr Williams is here to check your Grandpa over and provide initial confirmation of time of death before the pathologist conducts the post mortem."

"Couldn't you do that? You're a Doctor!"

Maggie takes Josie's hand and explains gently, "I'm not that type of Doctor, Josie and I'm also family." Josie slowly relents and nods her head at Doctor Williams signalling her ok. Doctor Williams begins his examination.

Josie sniffles and wraps her arms around Maggie so quickly that Maggie is taken by surprise, but pulls Josie as close as possible.

"Does Grandpa need to have a post mortem?", Ruby asks concerned.

"Your Grandpa asked for one to help the Doctors find out more about his illness to help others."

"That sounds like Grandpa alright", Ruby takes comfort in the familiarity.

* * *

><p>"I've got TOD at approximately 8.40pm", Maggie advises Dr Williams who inclines his head to show he has heard.<p>

Carrie finds the examination slightly intrusive and fights the urge to echo Josie's earlier sentiment to Dr Williams.

"I'll need to phone the church in the morning", Maggie speaks in a rush that concerns Carrie immediately.

"…and the undertakers of course and I'll need to think about where we are going afterwards."

Carrie knows now she is not imagining it and it isn't right. She is supposed to be the one who freaks out.

"Maggie", Carrie tries to gain her attention. Carrie is worried, but she also sees that Maggie is scaring Ruby and Josie now as well.

"Oh and I'll need to put an announcement out and think about making sure everyone knows…I'll need to look out his best clothes to bury…"

"MOM! STOP!", Ruby's stricken voice reverberates around the room, waking Frannie up in the process.

Maggie swallows whatever words were on the tip of her tongue, looking at Ruby and Josie as though just realising they are still there. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry", Maggie repeats as she embraces her daughters.

Carrie lifts a crying Frannie from her cot, holds her close to her chest and rocks her gently, "shhh", she repeats over and over hoping it will work. So focussed on trying to get Frannie back to sleep that she does note notice the silence save for Dr Williams working about. Frannie, does not appear to want to go back to sleep. She is, however, calm in Carrie's arms staring up at her mother. Carrie wonders if her daughter could possibly have a clue that is who she is or if it is Ruby or Maggie that is that familiar to her. Carrie looks up to see Maggie and the girls staring at her in amazement and Dr Williams gives her a knowing smile.

Carrie's phone beeps and she reads the text received. It is just two words and it is from Virgil. 'am outside'.

"Virgil is here."

* * *

><p>Carrie, holding Frannie in one arm opens the door ready to express her gratitude at Virgil dropping everything to come over right way, but she gets a shock because she finds herself looking at not only Virgil, but Max, Fara, Saul and Quinn too.<p>

"I…what…", Carrie tries to speak but the words will not come. She stands aside to allow them entry.

Virgil walks straight in and down the hall. Max, Fara and Quinn follow his lead. Saul brings up the rear, closing the door behind him.

"We're family. Virgil respected your need for the rest of us not to be here previously, but for this…this you need all your family. So here we are."

Saul reaches out his hand to cup Carrie's chin, "if you need to cry there is no shame in it."

"I know." Carrie catches the look of disbelief that flashes across Saul's face. "I think I'm just numb. It hasn't sunk in yet. It scares me for when it will. Maggie's in there half doing what I expected I'd be doing by now, freaking out."

"When it does you just yell."

"Ok", Carrie responds meeting Saul's penetrating gaze.

"Thththththththththththffffppppt!", Frannie blows a raspberry on Carrie's neck having decided not enough attention is being paid to her. It simultaneously makes Carrie smile and sad.

"What is it?", Saul asks her immediately reading her expression.

"It's what she and my dad were doing to each other just a few hours ago. She practically ate his nose."

"Don't suppose she'd like a scratchy beard", Saul reaches out to tickle under Frannie's chin and is rewarded with a hearty giggle. It seems strange to Carrie that the ability to laugh still exists. She sees Saul's focus on Frannie. "Would you like to hold her?"

"Yes, I would."

Carrie reluctantly hands her over wondering as she did so where that reluctance had sprung from. Her emotions must have shown on her face.

"There is no need to be afraid of not wanting to let her go."

"I'm more of afraid of where it has come from since a less than two weeks ago I was still considering giving her up."

"I'm not an expert on this particular area, but I think they call that maternal instinct taking over."

"Ok, we need 9 cups." Virgil's voice floats out from the kitchen. Carrie leads Saul to investigate.

"11", Josie corrects as Saul and Carrie join them.

Carrie sees the confusion on Virgil's face as he tries to work out who he has missed.

"Need to count on your fingers, Virgil?", Carrie asks finding some humour. Virgil scowls at her in reply. "Ahh, he says, "Frannie. I didn't count Frannie. But that still only makes 10", he finishes looking even more confused.

Josie glares at his thoughtlessness. Ruby explains quietly, "we need one for Grandpa."

Virgil remains quiet for a few seconds and Carrie sees him fighting to remain composed. "Of course we do. Frank would kick me out for forgetting about him."

Ruby lifts her Grandpa's mug out of the dish rack and puts it on the worktop. Carrie sees the grin cross Saul's face as he reads the words on the mug. 'Best Grandpa in the Milky Way and Consultant teaologist, busy C Ing Aliens'.

Shaking her head at her father's silliness that prompted the gift, but welcoming the warm memories it invokes she addresses Virgil, "how come you have ended up in here making the drinks again?"

"You'd trust Max or Quinn?", Virgil jokes, but when he looks at her, his face is serious. He is trying to tell her something without saying it in front of the girls.

Carrie nods her head and follows her instincts towards her father's room. Saul follows in behind her. Max, Fara and Quinn are looking extremely uncomfortable. It becomes obvious right away what the issue is.

"There's just so much I have to do", Maggie says, pacing backwards and forwards.

"Maggie", Dr Williams tries to gain her attention, but she isn't listening.

"I'll need to put an announcement in the paper."

Carrie feels lost for a moment until a warm hand takes hers. She looks round to Saul who still has Frannie in his other arm. "We're here", he whispers to her. Feeling stronger, Carrie lets go of Saul's hand and walks forward to block Maggie's path. Taking her sister's hands in hers, "I've not always been here when I should have been, but I'm here now. You don't have a lot to do. We have a lot to do."

Shock covers Maggie's features, but she eventually finds her voice.

"Ok."

"We don't need to do it all tonight."

Maggie nods her head and sits back down. Carrie feels grateful as she watches Fara move to sit with her and offer some form of comfort.

"I've arranged for a private ambulance to take your dad to the pathologist. They shouldn't be long. I have written down the details for you to pass to the undertakers", Dr Williams hands Carrie the piece of paper. The feeling of being overwhelmed with the responsibility lurks in Carrie's mind, but the presence of those who have helped her through the worst time of her life when she was unbearable helps her to meet it head on.

"Thank you."

"I'll stay until they get here", Dr Williams advises.

Carrie silently nods her thanks again. "Owww", Carrie looks round at Saul to find him trying to save his beard from a determined Frannie. Carrie finds herself grateful for her daughter's innocence and ignorance of the loss they have suffered. "Apparently she does like a scratchy beard after all."

* * *

><p>Her father's room is silent which is quite something given the number of people and the little child, who could make more noise than everyone else put together, being in the confined space. Yet, even though Frannie could not possibly understand what is going on, she does seem to understand the need to be quiet. Back in her arms, Carrie could find herself lost in her little girl's inquisitive blue eyes.<p>

The private ambulance has arrived and they are preparing to take Frank away.

Josie's eyes are blazing. It's clear she is not happy to part with her Grandpa. Ruby has a tight hold on her sister and they remind Carrie so much of her and Maggie, because Carrie would be in Josie's shoes with Maggie trying to stop her from doing or saying something stupid.

Dr Williams says his goodbyes to everyone. Stopping at Josie, he stoops down to her level. "We'll take good care of him for you, Josie."

Carrie sees Josie's only reply is a vigorous nod of her head. Ruby squeezes her shoulder that bit tighter.

* * *

><p>Carrie is startled awake. The first thing she is really aware of is the clattering noise echoing from down the hall. She takes a few moments to gather herself together and notes Virgil's jacket on one of the chair's in the room, Max's shoes are on the floor and Maggie who is lying draped across their dad's bed holding onto the blanket in her sleep, with Ruby and Josie lying with her. Carrie pulls herself out of the chair she'd awkwardly fallen asleep on and stands up.<p>

"Ahh, Fuck!", Carrie yells, as a shooting pain stabs at her foot. She freezes for a second, holding her breath but luckily Maggie and the girls do not wake. Looking down at the offending item she finds part of Frannie's mobile from her cot. Carrie suddenly feels panicked. She fell asleep with Frannie in her arms. She knew it. Where is she? Carrie knows even as she rushes through the house she is probably being stupid, but needs that reassurance. She nearly bumps right into Virgil who is coming out of the kitchen with a plate of food.

"Woah, Carrie slow down."

"Frannie?", she says in panic.

"She's fine. She woke up earlier but you were totally out of it. Fara brought her into the sitting room to change her nappy and feed her so you and Maggie could get some rest. She's in there with sleeping beauty…and Fara."

Panic over Carrie tries to slow her breathing and walks with Virgil to the sitting room.

"Wait a minute did you just say…"

"Yeah, I did. Look", Virgil interrupts nodding to the couch.

Carrie has to contain her laughter. Max and Fara are cuddled together on the couch with Frannie in between and both their arms around her.

Once the novelty of their cuteness wore off, Carrie has a sudden realisation, "are they together?"

"Yes!"

Carrie turns sharply in the direction of the voice to find Quinn sitting quietly in the corner of the room. She couldn't remember saying a word to him the night before. It is amazing the sense of agitation he could fit into one word.

"How long?"

"You'd need to ask Virgil to be really sure, but I'd guess even before they arrived in Islamabad."

"No way!", Carrie exclaims. She hadn't been that oblivious…had she?

Quinn just shrugs his shoulders apparently unwilling to indulge arguing with her about it.

"Probably before as Max danced about trying to be secretive which is a sure sign to me that he is up to something."

"How do you know that wasn't about me asking him to go to Islamabad?"

"If you tell him I said this, I will deny it. Max is very good at being inconspicuous when it comes to secrets to do with his work, but his personal life? He may as well have had Max loves Fara tattooed on his forehead."

Carrie clearly had been that oblivious whilst in Islamabad. The two of them together never crossed her mind so caught up in her own drama as she had been. She looks at Quinn who is wolfing into the food Virgil has put down. He doesn't look up at her again. Carrie sighs. He's there and he's not. She shouldn't complain. She asked for space and time. Her choice.

"Where did you go?", Virgil's voice breaks through her thoughts.

"What? Uh...nowhere."

Virgil raises his eyebrows at her.

"I'm fine, Virgil."

"Ok", he replies offering her some waffles.

"How did you end up in the kitchen again?", Carrie asks as she takes two.

Virgil shrugs, "I might have to start charging. Saul says to tell you he'll give you a call later. He had to go in for a meeting."

"Thanks."

"Where is it?", Maggie appears dishevelled and with a determined glint in her eye.

"Where's what?", Carrie asks completely at a loss as to what Maggie is looking for.

"The address book with phone numbers so I can start letting people know."

"I don't…"

"Of course you don't. Why would you know?"

"Maggie!", Carrie recoils at the harsh tone, but Maggie ignores her as she looks for the little book. Finding it, she turns back out of the sitting room. Carrie follows her upstairs to her room.

"We don't need to do it right now, Maggie."

"We? There's a 'we' now is there?"

Carrie feels like she has been slapped in the face.

"He's not going to bury himself is he?"

Carrie remains silent and wills herself to stay calm. This is grief talking for Maggie.

"Is that what he wants? To be buried?"

"I think I know what my own father would want", Maggie replies turning on her sister viciously.

"I'll tell you what he wouldn't want. You two fighting like this", Virgil interjects, speaking from the doorway before Carrie could retort.

"You know less than she does", Maggie answers angrily.

"I know more than you realise." Virgil holds out two white envelopes, but Maggie does not move to take them.

"What are those?", Carrie asks, her curiosity getting the best of her and overruling any possibility of an argument with Maggie.

"Letters your dad asked me to pass to you after he died. I wasn't sure when to give them to you, but you two just made up my mind."

Maggie now looks at Virgil, but still does not move to take them.

"Why after he died?", Carrie asks walking forward to take them from him.

Virgil smiles, "because it turns out he knows you both pretty well."

"What is that supposed…", Maggie begins, but Virgil interrupts. "I'd start with this one", he holds out an envelope in his right hand addressed to 'all my girls'. "And I'd leave this one", he holds out the one in his left hand until the kids are in bed and we're all gone. Strict instructions from your dad on that being just for you two."

Carrie gasps as she takes them from him and sees who the letter in his left hand is addressed to, "Lewis and Clark", she whispers out.

"What?", Maggie asks abruptly, but clearly interested. Carrie holds it out for Maggie to see and she comes closer. Though Maggie does not take the envelope out of her hand, Carrie swallows the lump in her throat and fights back tears as she watches Maggie trace their father's messy and shaky handwriting on the envelope.

"I'd suggest you to have tissues on hand while reading", Virgil advises.

Maggie and Carrie both stare at him curiously, silently asking him how he knows. Virgil explains, "your dad wrote your names on the envelopes, but his hands were too shaky to write the letters. He dictated and I wrote. I don't mind admitting I cried and it won't have meant half as much to me as it will to you two."

Virgil sees the flicker of fear that passes over their faces. Frank had prepared him for that too. "Once you have privacy later, I'd suggest that you pack your bags, get the compasses and notebooks out and go on adventure."

Virgil smiles at the look on their faces and leaves them be, satisfied their father has managed again to put an end to any bickering.


	11. The all seeing eye

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

LilMisfit – thank you for all your reviews. Much appreciated.

Shockey 13 – thanks. They will.

Lipamo – thank you for your lovely reviews and for staying with the story.

A/N Frank's girls read. Happy New Year everyone. Everything in Italics is what is being read.

* * *

><p>Virgil's footsteps echo along the upstairs hallway farther and farther away until he is back downstairs leaving Carrie with Maggie. Maggie paces back and forth mumbling to herself, agitated as though fighting something within herself. Carrie watches her unsure whether or not to say anything.<p>

"I'm sorry", Maggie blurts out coming to a stop right in front of Carrie.

"It's ok, Maggie", Carrie responds sincerely though Maggie seems to doubt it.

"Really, I am. I shouldn't have said those things."

"I know. It's ok."

"You don't have to say that just to make me feel better. I deserve…"

"Maggie! Stop!", Carrie raises her voice to silence her. "I'm not just saying that. I do know. Over the past year I've said and done some horrible things all in the aid of pretending I was fine when I wasn't. I get it, ok?"

"Ok."

Maggie sits down on her bed and Carrie follows sitting next to her. "Maybe you could put this one away for later", Carrie hands her the Lewis and Clark letter.

* * *

><p>Every room in the house has been filled with some sort of emotion over the past 24 hours. The prevailing emotion in the sitting room right now is apprehension. Virgil organised the departure of everyone else so that they could have the privacy to read. That was about half an hour ago and they still hadn't picked up the letter addressed to all of them.<p>

Carrie could not bring herself to do it. To lift it and read it would be to acknowledge that he is gone. It would be acknowledging that it was a fact he had known and prepared for. Maggie seems of similar mind. Carrie has never seen her sister look as lost as she does now. It is a frightening thought. As long as Carrie can remember, her sister has been the pillar that holds them all together.

"I'll read it", Josie huffs out impatiently. "He didn't write it so we would ignore it."

Carrie feels an irrational childish need to reach over and stop her. To leave the letter untouched with the hope that if it were not read, they might wake up tomorrow to find it has been a terrible dream. Josie is determined though and she picks it up and opens it.

Carrie sees various emotions cross Josie's face as she quickly scans it. Carrie is surprised to see her eyes twinkle in amusement. A thought occurs to her. "Josie, what did Grandpa whisper to you when he pulled you close to him?" Josie smiles as she finds herself the subject of curious eyes, "he reminded me that I need my family and that they need me too."

Carrie nods her head. That would make sense as Josie had been quite angry with all of them at the time and had gone a while where her Grandpa was the only one she willingly spoke to.

"Uh, mom?", Josie asks hesitantly.

"What?"

"I won't get into trouble for swearing will I?" Ruby peeks over Josie's shoulder and has trouble stifling a giggle as she says "that is so Grandpa."

Carrie finds her curiosity spiking and any anxiety at hearing what is said disappearing.

"Grandpa swears?", Maggie asks.

"This surprises you?", Carrie interjects.

"Yeah. You can tell it's from him anyway", Josie answers.

"No, you won't this time", Maggie says reluctantly and then whispers to Carrie, "he did that on purpose." Carrie smiles as she could well believe it.

Josie clears her throat and begins to read.

"_I'll spare you the 'if you're reading this' bullshit they think is brilliant in the movies. You know why you're reading this. _

_First of all, there is to be no black at my funeral. Everyone is to wear what they want as long as it is not black. I don't want sad faces. I want everyone to come and laugh about what a stupid old bastard I was. Because whatever Maggie and assorted professional colleagues say, laughter is the best medicine. _

Maggie shakes her head at Frank's words. Carrie smiles slightly.

_Everyone from the 'dominoes' club is to come. When I say everyone, Carrie, I am including my fellow conspiracy theorists. Don't worry they already know you're a spy…just kidding…as if I could admit that to them! They'd have accused me of being a plant!_

Carrie splutters indignantly. It doesn't help that the others are laughing. Eventually Carrie manages to ask, "how does it go from dominoes club to conspiracy theorist?"

Ruby shakes her head, but sys affectionately, "Grandpa and his friends just used dominoes as an excuse to gather."

"R_uby and Josie. I'm counting on you two to keep the Mathison sandwiches going. Also, be good and if you can't be good, don't get caught! Make sure you pass that great advice on to Frannie when she is older._

"What sort of advice is that?", Maggie asks unamused. "Sounds like revenge to me", Carrie answers while Frannie squirms in her lap. "Could she have understood that already?", Carrie asks as her daughter tries to escaper her hold.

_Don't bother asking your aunt Carrie for tips. She wasn't nearly half as sneaky as a teenager as she thought she was. _

"I was totally sneaky", Carrie protests.

Maggie makes a sound that sounds like a snort which she quickly tries to cover up with a cough.

_If Frannie wants to babble her way through the entire funeral then let her. Tell anyone who suggests she be taken outside to calm down that I said they've to shut it. _

Frannie stops squirming in Carrie's lap and looks over at Josie.

_Virgil has been a great help and I asked him to buy Frannie's birthday present for me. He'll drop it round. Frannie is to have my bit of cake…got that, Carrie? I'm still watching you know…_

Carrie smiles sheepishly and holds Frannie closer to her.

_I could give you all a lecture about not missing me, but I know you will. I could tell you not to shed tears, but I know you will. What I am telling you all is not to dwell. Live. You only get one chance. _

_I love you all. _

_Your Dad and Grandpa _

Frannie starts to squirm in Carrie's arms again and Carrie could swear it was because Josie said Grandpa. It was as though she's trying to get to him. Carrie holds her tight, pulls her closer and whispers in Frannie's ear, "I miss him too". Frannie stares at her mom for a few seconds and then settles back down in Carrie's arms. Carrie isn't sure whether or not she imagined Frannie leaning closer to her chest or if it was her that leaned closer to Frannie, but she welcomed the warmth anyway.


	12. Dear Lewis and Clark,

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

A/N Everything in italics is being read.

* * *

><p><em>A long time ago, a quarter of a century or perhaps more the wind is blowing leaves and twigs across the trail. The rain which had fallen earlier had made the ground wet and muddy. The man doesn't care for he'd made this trek many times and the only question is where he will be when he reaches his destination. Would he be in Pittsburgh? Maybe St Louis or somewhere in between.<em>

_On he goes until he clears the trees and the mud give ways to rock. The sun is setting now and Lewis stands about 30 feet away with Clark sitting down in the background. _

_The man waits patiently to see what has been discovered now. He remains as silent as he can all the while resisting temptation to laugh at the hat Lewis is wearing which keeps falling over her eyes. Undeterred and pulling it back up Lewis continues to jot something down in her notebook. _

_Looking up and around her as though talking to a large adoring audience, she suddenly states with an air of great importance, _

"_The Great Falls of the Missasouri."_

"_Missouri", Clark discreetly whispers even though she too is unaware they have company. _

"_That's what I said, Clark. Missasouri."_

_Clark shakes her head of long suffering sibling silence. As she does so her bag rattles and the man has a sudden suspicion about where the tins of peaches and strawberries have disappeared to._

"_Ah four more waterfalls", Lewis says in a stately voice, moving closer to the waterfall, but not too close that the man is worried. _

"_This Compass isn't working", Lewis suddenly states, annoyed at it foiling her next statement. Clark walks over to Lewis to inspect it. "Yes, it is. You are holding it the wrong way."_

"_No I'm not."_

"_Yes, you are."_

"_No…"_

_The man coughs loudly, sensing it is the right time to intervene. _

"_Daaad", Lewis draws out in a pout. "We're playing Lewis and Clark!", she states, stamping her feet as though that says everything. In many ways it did. Lewis and Clark were not to be interrupted. The man raises his eyebrow at his little Lewis to let her know he isn't standing for the cheek. Allowing the silence to make his point he eventually says, "dinner will be ready in half an hour." He then turns and walks on, knowing they like to make an adventure of coming back to the Cabin…sorry Camp Fortunate as he had been instructed it is now called for the duration of this stay. Lewis and Clark had even commandeered some wood to make the pole for a sign which is now stuck in the ground just outside the front door._

Carrie looks to Maggie to see her just as stunned as she is. Whatever either of them had expected their father's letter to contain it hadn't been a recounting of a tale from childhood.

"It's as though he's telling us a story like he used to do at the Cabin when we were tucked up in bed."

Camp Fortunate, Clark", Carrie corrects Maggie.

"Right you are, Lewis."

"Is Frannie definitely asleep?", Maggie asks changing the subject.

"Yes, Maggie she is asleep", Carrie answers patiently. Maggie nods her head. "And the girls are absolutely in bed", Carrie says before Maggie can ask.

They look at one another. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking Lewis?"

"I think I'm thinking what you're thinking, Clark."

They climb off of Maggie's bed and take off the hats and bags they had worn at Virgil's suggestion.

"This Compass still doesn't work, Clark." Lewis points at the Compass she has just put down on the bedside table.

"Of course it doesn't, Lewis."

Carrie throws the notebook she had been holding towards Maggie and runs out of the Maggie's room to her own. Changing quickly into her pyjamas, she rushes back as fast as she can. Maggie is changed and already under the covers with their dad's letter in her hands. Carrie quickly joins her and Maggie resumes where she had left off.

_The man is collecting more wood for the fire but he can hear Lewis and Clark navigating their way back to Camp. Lewis slips at the end of the trail taking Clark with her. Both are fine and erupt into giggles. Clark finds her feet first and pulls Lewis back to hers. Ever the dramatic, Lewis loudly proclaims "ah Camp Fortunate." _

_The man turns away to hide his laughter. After all he isn't supposed to see the game. _

"_Lewis, Lewis! LEWIS!", Clark bellows to turn Lewis's attention away from the Camp. _

"_What?"_

"_The lake", Clark points at it. _

"_Yeah, so?"_

"_Tomorrow when we play that could be the three forks of the Missouri River."_

"_Brilliant", Lewis replies and the man hears the wonder in her voice. The excitement at the thought of another adventure._

_They turn and skip together towards the Camp as they pass him the man starts to speak, "dinner in 20. Get in, get those…"_

"_Mucky clothes off", Clark interrupts. "And get washed and into our pyjamas", Lewis finishes. They stop at the doorway to turn back and look at him, smiling. _

"_We know the drill, dad", Lewis says cheekily. "Oh really?", Frank says approaching them. He knows he's allowed as the game is over for tonight. "What are we having for desert tonight?"_

"_Strawberries, peaches and ice cream", Clark answers. _

"_Well, I can't seem to find the tins of strawberries and peaches so we might have to do without."_

_Lewis and Clark glance at each other the way children do when they think they're being discreet. Lewis reaches into her bag, "we'll find them for you, dad", she says pulling out a magnifying glass to investigate. She pulls a laughing Clark inside the Cabin with her and Frank can't help the laughter that escapes him._

_Later on after dinner and yes, the strawberries, peaches and ice cream have been devoured, a fire is roaring and Lewis and Clark are snuggly tucked up in bed waiting on a story. For though they loved their adventures in the woods and up at the waterfall, Frank knew this was their favourite part of their stays here…every night when he told them a story._

"_Tonight", Frank begins and is delighted to see the excitement that lined every inch of Lewis's face and the concentration that adorned Clark's so she didn't miss any detail, waiting patiently to see what tonight's story would be. "I'm going to tell you about a man named Frank and his two beautiful daughters, Carrie and Maggie."_

"What?", Carrie asks leaning over to see that is what is really written there. They look at each other for a moment in silent realisation. Carrie nods her head at Maggie.

_Frank often took his girls up to the family Cabin and the girls had many adventures. Oh, they argued like only sisters can, but in the end it was always the adventures that were the talk of the drive back home whereupon they'd plan their next set of adventures for their return. They loved playing Lewis and Clark._

_One such adventure had just finished when Clark decided the lake could play the part of the three forks of the Missouri River. So, the next day up they got. Bags, hats and notebook, Compass and orange juice from the fridge making its way into Lewis's backpack. Ready they were and out the door they went. Frank stood on the porch happily watching them playing together for hours until the day faded into night._

_Then the days didn't just fade into night, they faded into weeks, months and years and as the years passed those forks seemed clearer to Frank than ever. For his dear little Lewis and Clark chose different forks. Lewis went right while Clark went left and Frank floated down the middle watching as Lewis and Clark struggled through their own stormy waters. All he could do was watch as Lewis and Clark threatened to drift so far apart from him and each other that he thought his heart might break. As Frank's boat continues down the middle showing all the signs of a life well lived and the end in sight he can see the water from his left and the water from his right raging against his boat and against each other. But Frank has always been smart. He bit down on his harsh and angry words. He encouraged them to lead their own lives even when he wanted to smother them in hugs and never let them go again from him and each other. He did it because he knew that stormy waters must calm and river forks must eventually meet again. Different though his Lewis and Clark now are they're still bound by a bond that they share with each other, but no one else. _

Carrie silently reaches out and takes Maggie's hand. Maggie squeezes it tightly and though her voice is cracking slightly, she does not stop.

_The water is calm and the storm is passing. Lewis and Clark need reminding they are not on their own. They have given Frank 3 beautiful grandchildren. Clark Junior, Clark the third and Lewis Junior. Frank knows that when the day they fear comes there will be sadness and tears. Lewis Junior will continue to babble away in the language grownups are too stupid to understand and she will blow bubbles and giggle. At first the three Clarks and Lewis Senior will be reluctant to join in, but as they remember all the times he laughed at them and with them, they'll realise that Frank would want them to laugh. As long as they have their minds and memories, they will always have him. _

Maggie pulls Carrie side-a-long with her into a hug. Maggie's tears drop down onto the paper. Carrie hugs her back just as tight. Maggie wipes away her tears. Carrie's eyes are bleary.

_Frank knows the world will not stop for him as it does not stop for anyone. He thinks of his dear Lewis and Clark standing together at one of their many waterfalls of discovery with the world at their fingertips._

_Love,_

_Your old man._

Carrie leaned further into Maggie's comforting embrace. Their dad had known just as Virgil had said. He'd squeezed their hands tight as he drifted off, thinking of them. Always his Lewis and Clark.


	13. Frank did it his way

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Zarqa – thank you.

Littlemousegray – thank you very much. Frank is a favourite so I try to get it right. I'm glad you like it.

LilMisfit – Thank you as ever…glad you picked up on Lewis and Clark Jnrs…

Lipamo – Thank you again. Teary eyed right with you.

A/N For Frank Mathison wonderfully played by James Rebhorn (RIP).

* * *

><p>Carrie had known her father was well liked. It was difficult not to like him, but she is still surprised by the number of people arriving. It's been an odd morning so far. None of them has cried yet. In fact Carrie could swear at this precise moment that Maggie is attempting not to laugh at her as members of their dad's dominoes club offer their sympathies to them at the entrance to St Mary's. Everyone Carrie has seen so far has heeded the request for no black, but his pals from the dominoes club have really come up for him. Not only are their clothes bright greens, yellows and reds, but they all have different patterns or shapes on them. Jim Turner is wearing the brightest red t-shirt Carrie has ever seen with stars and the words "They're watching us" in yellow letters on it. Carrie knows her father would appreciate it, but has to refrain herself from elbowing Maggie in the ribs.<p>

"How are you all doing?", Saul's soft voice catches Carrie's attention. He's not alone as Virgil and Quinn approach with him. Carrie sees Fara and Max coming up together just behind them.

"Ok", Carrie answers for everyone to hear. "Just now", she adds in a whisper as Saul pulls her into a hug. He does the same with Maggie.

"Where are the girls?", Virgil asks.

"They're inside."

"We should go in now."

Carrie meets Maggie's eyes and nods her head. Maggie holds out her hand and Carrie takes it.

The distractions from outside long gone and sitting only a few feet from her father's coffin, Carrie feels the suppressed emotions of the day beginning to work their way to the surface. Frannie is sitting contently in her arms as the service begins. Carrie pulls her closer, but the voice of the Minister is drifting away.

"_Look at the mess of you."_

_Carrie says nothing, but doesn't understand her mom's problem. She gets dirty when they are handling the soil for the plants. Why is this such a big deal? _

"_Nothing some soap and water won't fix", Frank answers, winking at Carrie. _

"_You're not helping Frank. She was swinging from a tree."_

"_She's a kid."_

"_She's a girl."_

"_So what? That means she can't swing from a tree?" _

Her dad. Always on her side. She should be paying attention to the service. Carrie pulls out prayer beads and moves her fingers along them. She has never been particularly religious, but right now they bring her comfort.

"Carrie…Carrie", Virgil whispers, nudging Carrie with his elbow.

"What?", Carrie whispers back.

"Are those Muslim prayer beads?", he whispers out of the corner of his mouth."

"Yes."

"You're in Church."

"So?"

"_Frank Mathison was a loving and kind man with a mischievous sense of humour", The Minister's voice echoes around the Church._

Carrie thought that was an apt description of her father.

"_See that, Maggie, Carrie? That is Sirius, the brightest star in the sky. The Ancient Egyptians were able to mark the flooding of the Nile by when Sirius made it's reappearance above the Eastern Horizon, after a period of absence."_

_Maggie's eyes widen. "But won't we drown daddy? We're in Egypt!"_

_Frank let out a chuckle at his eldest with the hands on her hips and pigtails swinging. "No we won't drown."_

"_You sure?", she demanded._

_Kneeling down to her level, Frank asks, "what do I always tell you when we go swimming back home."_

_Maggie does not answer, searching her father's face. Carrie answers for her. "That you'll always hold our heads above water, daddy."_

"_Uh huh. No need to be afraid then is there?", he asks the two of them._

"_No. Daddy.", they both reply._

Carrie barely holds back a sob. She feels Maggie's hand on her arm squeezing it gently. She is dimly aware of prayers being read and hymns being sung.

* * *

><p>"<em>There is a reason that not one of us here today wears black."<em>

Carrie lifts her head to find Jim standing up on the alter speaking. He had been asked to give her father's eulogy.

_We all honoured Frank's request not to wear black today because of our love and respect for a man who showed us all both every time we were lucky enough to be with him. _

_The first time I met Frank he was wearing his redskins jersey and letting out a string of curses that probably meant he had to pay the Minister a visit. _

A few chuckles could be heard ringing around the Church and Carrie sees that even the Minister is smiling.

_Frank was passionate about everything in his life. You couldn't wipe the grin off his face after a redskins win. But what he was most passionate about and proud of are "his girls" as he called them. His daughters Maggie and Carrie and granddaughters, Ruby, Josie and Frannie. When he spoke about them his face glowed and his eyes sparkled. _

_He had many a funny story to tell from years gone by and the present: a young Maggie tossing her spaghetti over his head and not her own. Carrie's first word which I can't say here in the Church and which by the way he assured us absolutely was not his fault. _

This brings some genuine laughter throughout the Church. Carrie smiles and looks at Maggie to find her smiling too. Though just like Carrie her eyes are filling up.

_His girls' nights in with Ruby and Josie practicing for careers in beauty by painting his nails and toenails pink._

Carrie sees Maggie drape her arm across both Ruby and Josie. Carrie can hear them sniffling.

_Given her young age and Frank's illness, I haven't heard as much about Frannie, but I've no doubt that she'll be told funny stories of moments she shared with him. _

_In his last few weeks his concern was not for himself, but for those who were going to be left behind. This doesn't surprise me. Frank Mathison faced challenges in his life, but he never stopped trying to live it despite them. He never wallowed in self-pity and he never stood still. He faced what life threw at him and made the best of what he had. _

_However we all knew him we will feel his loss greatly, but none of us much as his daughters and granddaughters. One thing we can all share is how lucky we were to know him and be influenced by his infectious positive outlook on life."_

As Jim left the alter Carrie thought that she would be able to hear a pin drop.

* * *

><p>"I don't like the idea him underground and alone. It disturbs me", Carrie voices her feelings to Maggie who stands next to her at their father's freshly filled grave. The only crumb of comfort is that he is in his pyjamas and he'd love that. She and Maggie were going to have him dressed in his best clothes, but Ruby and Josie put their feet down and insisted that as he was sleeping, he should be in his pyjamas. There had really been no reason to argue with them about it as it made perfect sense.<p>

"He's not alone", Maggie answers.

Ruby and Josie had also insisted on putting a family photo in with him. "I suppose not", Carrie reluctantly agrees.

* * *

><p>Frannie is the centre of attention and is being passed around the room. She had fallen asleep as Frank was buried, but the house being so full of people who have come back has woken her up and Carrie gets the feeling she is enjoying being the centre of attention.<p>

Her father had gotten his wish as various voices floated around the room telling different stories about him followed by laughter. Carrie did not feel like joining in. She stands at the window staring out.

"So, what was your first word?", Saul asks her curiously as he interrupts her solitude.

"Shit."

"What?", Saul asks almost disbelievingly.

Carrie manages to let out a chuckle, "shit! My first word was shit."

Saul remains silent for a minute, but can't contain his laughter for long. "That's not really what most parents want their kid's first word to be."

"Well", Carrie looks at Saul her eyes brimming with fresh tears. Saul puts his arm around Carrie in comfort. "My dad did things his way."


	14. She just needs two

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Shockey – Thank you for staying with. It just seemed so Carrie and so Frank.

A/N Some dialogue from "Semper I", "the Weekend" and "the Choice" included. Belongs to Gansa and Co.

Thank you to everyone for reading. I hope you have enjoyed. This is the last chapter…let's see who gets the last word in the Mathison family.

* * *

><p><strong>December 12, 2014<strong>

"You, okay?" Maggie questions her with a frown, her face full of concern as she lifts the last of the bags out of the car.

"_It wasn't dull." _Carrie hears Brody's voice in her head. She allows herself a small smile before answering Maggie."It's just last time I was here, two years and two days ago to be exact…well", Carrie looks from Maggie down to Frannie who is trying to extract her hand from hers. Carrie grips her hand tighter and looks back at Maggie.

Maggie looks from Carrie to her niece and back again. There is a faint hint of a smile on her face. "Well we haven't been here in between then and now. So, you can definitely change the bed sheets."

Carrie laughs as Maggie follows the loud voices of Ruby and Josie who are already inside the Cabin. Carrie feels a tugging on her arm and looks down to once again find her daughter trying to escape her hold. Ever since she had discovered the ability to stand and walk on her own two feet, Frannie had been desperate to get up and go at every opportunity.

"We'll get the firewood", Josie shouts as she and Ruby come hurtling out of the Cabin. Frannie, who had been trying to pull Carrie inside the Cabin, now tries to pull Carrie after her cousins. She always wanted to follow them everywhere, especially Ruby.

"Be careful", Carrie shouts after Ruby and Josie. She lifts Frannie up judging it the best way if she wants to get inside. Frannie stares at her with sad eyes and starts crying.

"Oh, no. Don't you do that to me!"

"Do what?", Maggie asks.

"She's giving me the sad eyes because I won't let her go with Josie and Ruby for the firewood."

Carrie shuts the door and lets Frannie's hand go. She shakes her head as her daughter immediately stops her crying and sets off in exploration, her mother's eyes following her around. Carrie leaves Maggie to unpack the food. She finds Frannie pulling herself up on to the sofa.

"_So, how do I apply to become your cabin boy?"_

"_Oh, that's a coveted spot."  
><em>

"_Naturally."_

_"Full-time? Live-in."_

_"Do the cooking, do the laundry."_

_"I do hate laundry."_

_"Keep the lady of the house stimulated. Intellectually."_

_"You're hired." _

"Hey!", Maggie lightly prods Carrie on the arm. "Hey."

"What?", Carrie asks still not completely with her. Still there with Brody.

"Are you sure you are ok?", Maggie asks again.

Carrie looks around and there isn't anywhere in here where there isn't a reminder. She sees Frannie sitting on Maggie's lap, the biggest reminder of all and knows she wouldn't be without her now.

"I'm alright, Maggie. Just having a moment."

Maggie remains unconvinced.

Carrie sighs. "Maggie, really I'm fine. I'll fix up the bed while you sort dinner."

Carrie places Frannie in her walker so that she can get on with changing and making up the bed. Every once in a while she could feel Maggie's eyes on her. She tries to quell her irritation. She understands Maggie's concern, but she is actually ok. Better here at the Cabin than back home in close proximity to the TV, radio and printed news. She'd gone to Langley earlier that morning to pay her own silent respects before it became busy. Before the service. That she couldn't handle. Not when it is Brody's face and name still being plastered all over the place like he's the devil incarnate.

* * *

><p>Carrie could remember various times she had overheard mothers cooing at the cuteness of their own child. Bragging on and on about things they had done and how gorgeous they were. She'd often found herself scoffing and becoming irritated at having to listen to their bluster. However, as she laid out Frannie's clothes for tomorrow's adventures she found herself unable to refrain from grinning, because she just knew Frannie was going to be cuteness personified in the outfit.<p>

"What are you grinning at?", Maggie asks, curious.

Carrie points to the ensemble already laid out in wait for Frannie, a gift from her Grandpa for her first birthday. Her little hat, rain jacket and boots. Carrie picks up the bag that accompanies the outfit to put in diapers and anything else Frannie might need on a long day out. It is too big for Frannie to carry herself just now, but it is undeniably hers. Virgil said her father had told him it had to have her name on it. There could be no mistaking it for Ruby or Josie's not when it says _'Lewis Junior'_ on it.

Maggie grins, "I guess maybe we should be organised for tomorrow as well. The earlier we are out, the longer we have."

"Yeah, could take all day to get to Missasouri."

Maggie throws a cushion at her. "Now, I know you're doing that on purpose." Carrie chuckles and Maggie adds, "and it certainly could take all day if you are left in charge of the Compass."

"Hey!", Carrie argues and throws the cushion right back at Maggie, hitting her square in the face.

Ruby and Josie join in and laugh with Carrie.

"Careful, you three! Or I'll just feed me and Frannie", Maggie tries to look serious, but fails miserably and only prompts the three of them to laugh harder.

"You want a hand with dinner?", Carrie asks once she'd calmed down enough to speak.

"No. It will be ready in about 30 minutes. You two", she points at Ruby and Josie, "can set the table." Ruby and Josie groan, but do as they are told.

Carrie wraps Frannie in her heavy blanket and takes her outside. Darkness is beginning to creep up on them as she walks them purposefully towards the lake.

"_What you looking at?"_

"_A star."  
>"Wait an hour. You'll see thousands."<br>"I just need one."_

Carrie hugs Frannie closer. She is standing staring up at the sky waiting just as Brody once had until she distracted him. There are no stars just yet, but she can wait.

"_Don't leave me like this. All alone in the rain!" _

"_You'll be fine."_

She remembers the smile that crept over her face as she assured him he'd be ok. That first spark, but now he's the one who has left her.

"_Live. Don't dwell." _Her father's words invade her mind when she needs them. Stopping her from engaging in brooding that would dampen her spirits.

She still misses Brody, but Maggie had been right. She'd been hanging onto the idea that she shouldn't be able to keep going without him. She'd been able to let go of her dad far easier than she could ever have imagined, but then he hadn't gone in the same traumatic way Brody had.

Footsteps interrupt her thoughts. "Dinner is ready", Maggie says coming to stand beside her and Frannie.

"What are you doing?"

"Just looking at the stars."

Maggie looks up at the sky where stars are now forming. "You should bring her back out after dinner. There will be thousands more by then."

Carrie smiles at Maggie and then looks up at the sky. "She just needs two."

Maggie shrugs her shoulders and begins to walk back up to the Cabin, shouting behind her, "last one in is doing the dishes!"

Kissing the crown of Frannie's head and staring up at the black sky now glittering with twinkling stars, Carrie whispers to her,"say good night to Daddy and Grandpa."

Frannie stares at her mother for a few seconds and then points to the sky, "bye, bye."


End file.
